IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

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Due to
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 advancements in
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technology
Add a comma
technology,
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 kids have changed the way they spend their leisure
time
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.In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages because
children
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 should spend less
time
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 with
technology
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. I will delve deep and discuss both viewpoints in upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, new devices have brought a paradigm shift in the technological era.To explain,
children
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 are learning new
skills
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 online and utilising their
time
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 efficiently with the help of the new
technology
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.
Moreover
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, there are games online which help to increase cognitive
skills
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 and problem-solving
skills
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.There are lots of educational courses offered nowadays on which people can enrol.
For example
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, There was a study performed in India in 2022 ,which showed that 60% of kids are enrolled in a new learning skill.
Thus
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,
children
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 should spend more
time
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 in
playground
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the playground
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.
On the contrary
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, there are a lot of downsides to the advancement of
technology
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 in the lives of a child.
In other words
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,
children
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 are isolating themselves as they are finding
technology
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 addictive,
therefore
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children
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 are spending most of their
time
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 in their room away from everyone.
In addition
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 , it is aggravating violent actions which is affecting the minds of a child.
For instance
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, an online game called Shark was reported to increase violence in school-going kids as the characters of that game were aggressive and wild.
To conclude
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 having mulled over
aforementioned
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an aforementioned
the aforementioned
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 paragraph,
it is clear that
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children
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 can use their leisure
time
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 to be more productive and develop
skills
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coherence cohesion
Although you presented a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, your essay lacks clear and logical progression of ideas. The paragraphs should seamlessly flow from one to the next with appropriate connective words and topic sentences that clearly establish the main idea of each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
While you've included an introduction and a conclusion, these need to be much stronger. The introduction should more clearly introduce the topic and outline your response to the question, while the conclusion should summarise your main points and reiterate your opinion clearly.
coherence cohesion
You've made some attempt to support your main points with examples and explanations, but these need to be further developed. It's crucial to delve deeper into each point with more specific examples and clearer explanations to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You've partially addressed the task, but your response lacks a full development of your arguments. The essay should contain a clear position throughout the response with consistent ideas that are relevant to the prompt. You should work on presenting comprehensive reasons and consequences associated with the prompt, potentially exploring both advantages and disadvantages more thoroughly.
task achievement
The ideas presented need to be clearer and more comprehensive. Aim to develop each point thoroughly, ensuring that they are relevant to the question. Provide ample support, such as specific examples and detailed explanation, to make your arguments convincing.
task achievement
You have used some relevant examples, but they are too general and lack specificity. Work on incorporating specific, detailed examples that directly support your arguments and enhance the reader's understanding of the points you are making.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • new technologies
  • children
  • free time
  • access
  • educational resources
  • information
  • development
  • key skills
  • enhancing
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • opportunity
  • connect
  • convenience
  • flexibility
  • lack
  • physical activity
  • potential
  • health issues
  • impact
  • social
  • emotional development
  • exposure
  • inappropriate content
  • addiction
  • dependency
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