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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows male and female gym membership from 1980 to 2010. and make a comparison which relevant

The graph below shows male and female gym membership from 1980 to 2010. and make a comparison which relevant
The line graph illustrates male and female
gym
Use synonyms
membership
Use synonyms
 over a thirty-year
period
Use synonyms
. The vertical axis represents the number of
members
Use synonyms
 in units of 1000. The horizontal axis represents the
period
Use synonyms
 from 1980 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, the trend of
gym
Use synonyms
membership
Use synonyms
 fluctuated wildly over the
period
Use synonyms
 given.
While
Linking Words
 in the beginning
man
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
members
Use synonyms
 were highly
dominated
Replace the word
dominant
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, women were the highest
Use synonyms
membership
Replace the word
members
show examples
at the end
Linking Words
. In 1980, many more male than female was included in
gym
Use synonyms
membership
Use synonyms
 at about 2200 and 1100 people respectively.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the number of
gym
Use synonyms
membership
Use synonyms
 for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 was higher than
Change preposition
for male
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 in 1995.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, more
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 joined
gym
Use synonyms
membership
Use synonyms
 in 2000. Subsequent in 2005, the number of
gym
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
membership
Fix the agreement mistake
memberships
show examples
 for
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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hit the peak approximately at 4800
members
Use synonyms
, which was almost double
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 at 2400
members
Use synonyms
.
At the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
, the highest
gym
Use synonyms
membership
Use synonyms
 was
also
Linking Words
 gained by
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 which accounted for 1500 people.
This
Linking Words
 figure was extremely different compared with
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 at just 500 people.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 71%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words gym, membership, period, members with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "represents" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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