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Band 5.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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In our world, there are myriad approaches to getting
people
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 together who has different culture and ages
such
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 as sports, food and
music
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. In my opinion,
music
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 is
one
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 of the impressive ways to achieve
this
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 aim.
To begin
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 with,
music
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 is based on rhythmic and melodic sounds and is universal. Even though you hear meaningful and poetic songs written in
this
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 rhythm with different languages that you do not know,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 still can capture you with
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 feelings.
Thus
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, the main aim of the
music
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 is to create feelings without considering age belief or nationality and feelings are universal.
For instance
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, there was an incredible cooperation between Italian composer Bruce and
one
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 musician named Henry William
did
Unnecessary verb
apply
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last
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 year.
Although
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 I cannot understand the lyrics, it still made me cry when I first listened to it.
Furthermore
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, there are a lot of concerts and festivals that are held all around the World. Since listening to
music
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 is a daily routine of nearly 95% of
people
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, the activities with
music
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 capture lots of attention. Just to listen to
one
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 musician or a singer,
people
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 change their country only to watch them lively.
Thus
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, it gives
people
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 the opportunity to travel and interact with other cultures.
For instance
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, two years ago I went to Italy for a concert by Henry Williams & Bruce that I mentioned before. It was an incredible experience of mine, I met a lady who is really older than me. After the concert, I went to her house to try her five-star Italian spaghetti. So, in
one
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 day, I get to chance to listen to my favorite musicians, try Italian cuisine and make myself an older friend.
After
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this
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 experience, we still see each other and two months later she came to Turkey to visit me and meet with my mother. In conclusion, does
music
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 have the power to unite individuals of all ages and cultures? I strongly believe that
one
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 of the best methods to interact with
people
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 who have different languages or ages is
music
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. With its universality, it can gather everyone towards a common goal.

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coherence cohesion
Develop clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to signal the main idea to the reader more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Work on a logical flow of ideas, ensuring each sentence coherently supports the one that preceded it.
coherence cohesion
Strive for consistency in the use of tense and perspective throughout the essay.
task achievement
Focus on addressing the prompt comprehensively, making sure that your position on the statement is clear and maintained throughout the essay.
task achievement
Support your ideas with a diverse range of sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate language proficiency.
task achievement
Include more detailed and varied examples to support your point of view, which will strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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