IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Many
parents
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 argue that
children
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 can have mobile
phones
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,
while
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 others believe they cannot.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and give the writer’s opinion.
To begin
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 with,
parents
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 believe that
children
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 should be allowed to have a mobile
phone
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. Because it can be used as a communication tool when they are not around.
In addition
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, a mobile
phone
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/
smart
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smartphone
show examples
phone
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 plays
crucial
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a crucial
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rules
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role
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to support
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in supporting
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children
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’s education in
the
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apply
show examples
school.
For instance
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, a lot of schools
use
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 Google Classroom as one of their
studies
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study
show examples
 methods. They
use
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 it to share study materials and collect students’ homework.
Moreover
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, a smartphone offers
variety
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a variety
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useful
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of useful
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 applications,
such
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 as language application that can help
children
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 to learn about foreign languages and online
transports application
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transport applications
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 which makes it easier to travel to their school.
Thus
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, allowing
children
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 to have a mobile
phone
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 gives a lot of benefits.
On the other hand
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, despite the mentioned benefits,
parents
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 think that
children
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 should be banned
to
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from using
show examples
use
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 a smartphone. The main reason is because it can be addictive to them.
For example
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,
children
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 will
use
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 the mobile
phone
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 all day without having rest.
This
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 can lead to negative health problems,
such
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 as
eyesore
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eyesores
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,
backpain
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back pain
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, etc.
Furthermore
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,
smart
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smartphones- with
phones
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-with the support of the internet- give
children
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 access to
the
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apply
show examples
information that
are
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is
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 not for them.
For instance
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, adult
contents
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content
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 and gambling sites
that
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apply
show examples
will suddenly pop up
while
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 they are opening websites.
Thus
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,
parents
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 have to monitor their
children
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 when using mobile
phones
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. In conclusion, I believe that mobile
phones
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 should be given to
children
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.
Because
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Phones
show examples
phones
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 give several advantages,
such
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 as for communication, study, and transportation tools.
However
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, the usage of mobile
phones
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 for
children
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 should be limited because it can lead to several health problems and there are a lot of contents that are not suitable for
children
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.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introductory paragraph clearly addresses the task prompt by stating both sides of the argument and indicating what your subsequent discussion will entail.
coherence cohesion
Create clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly correspond to your overall thesis, ensuring that these sentences guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Include an explicit thesis statement in your introduction that makes your personal stance clear, and reinforce this stance in the conclusion with a brief summary of your main points.
task achievement
Expand the conclusion to not only restate your opinion but also to synthesize the arguments discussed, leaving the reader with a clear understanding of your perspective on the issue.
task achievement
When presenting arguments, ensure that you include specific examples to support each point. Additionally, you should explain how these examples relate to the topic and contribute to your overall argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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