IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
Nowadays,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
adults'
Change noun form
adults
show examples
population
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 some countries is more than
older
Correct article usage
the older
show examples
 people
population
. There are both pros and cons
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
, as I will outline in
this
 essay.
Finally
, I represent my viewpoint.
To begin
 with,
youth
Add an article
the youth
show examples
population
 is the main wealth of a
country
.
The
Correct article usage
A
show examples
more
Correct word choice
larger
show examples
youth
population
 means more wealth
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a
country
.
However
, having capital does not provide success for
country
Correct article usage
a country
show examples
 unless using
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 by education and enabling
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 to use
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 potential in organizations and industries. As
workforce
Add an article
the workforce
show examples
 is the most valuable capital of an organization which is supplied by youths, cycles of industries and organizations move by young men and women who look for progress and income
for making
Change preposition
to make
show examples
 a living. Providing educational opportunities for employees and workers is a means of development in human resources which leads to efficiency in that organization.
Secondly
,
protection
Correct article usage
the protection
show examples
 of
security
Add an article
the security
show examples
 of a
country
 is in the hands of
youth
Add an article
the youth
show examples
population
. Boundaries of all countries are protected by
youth
 military force.
Consequently
,
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of enough
youth
population
 puts countries at risk.
On the other hand
, managers of a
country
 must provide a significant budget for
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 of
youth
Correct article usage
the youth
show examples
population
 to make them ready
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 different scientific or technical aspects.
For example
, providing equipment
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 schools and universities, building different new schools,
infrastructures
Correct word choice
and infrastructures
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
providing electricity, water lines,
telephone
Correct word choice
and telephone
show examples
 services,
requires
Correct subject-verb agreement
require
show examples
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 amount of budget to expend.
To sum up
,
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 of
large
Change the article
a large
the large
show examples
 number of young adults
compares
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 with the number of older people outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by nasringoli.psycolohist on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Your introduction should state the topic and your stance clearly, while the body should present arguments systematically, and the conclusion should summarize the essay effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
Expand your main points with relevant details and examples. Each paragraph should contain one clear main idea, supported by appropriate examples or explanations.
Task Achievement
Fully develop your ideas and take the time to explain how they relate to the topic. Avoid general statements and focus on providing thoughtful insights and analysis.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to support your arguments. Whenever you state an advantage or disadvantage, include a detailed example for clarity and to strengthen your point.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: