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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society?

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In numerous nations, the population of the elderly is experiencing growth stably. I believe
this
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 phenomenon is definitely a negative one since governments will have to invest gigantic funds in facilities
such
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 as hospitals.
Moreover
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, youngsters in the countries will inevitably suffer from huge financial burdens. First and foremost, authorities are obliged to allocate enormous funds to medical centres if the percentage of elders is constantly increasing in the nations. Undoubtedly, when there are numerous pensioners in a country, the utilization rate of health centres will automatically skyrocket
due to
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 the fact that old people are more inclined to fall ill.
For instance
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, in Taiwan where the population is ageing dramatically, tremendous financial support would have to be allocated to the amelioration of medical institutions.
As a result
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, the Taiwanese government is ineluctably burdened by the colossal expense as the elderly population expands.
In addition
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, with the proportion of old citizens escalating, the youth are bearing the monetary pressure
accordingly
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. Undeniably, if the number of retirees continues to rise in a nation, youngsters will be forced to contribute more taxation since the authority needs gigantic income to sustain the pensioners.
For example
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, over the decades, young working adults
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 been paying increased tax money annually since the government required pensions for retired individuals.
Consequently
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, Taiwanese youngsters have to endure enormous pecuniary stress
due to
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 the ageing of society. In conclusion, I believe the continual growth of elder people in certain countries definitely results in negative outcomes. It not only urges the authorities to contribute more tremendous expenses
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
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 imposes financial pressure on the youth.

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task achievement
Ensure your introduction includes a clear thesis statement that addresses both potential positive and negative effects, even if you plan to argue for a single standpoint.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas by providing not just negative consequences but also acknowledging potential positives, even if to refute them, to create a more balanced response.
task achievement
Develop your main points with specific examples. Quantitative data, research findings, or hypothetical scenarios that are fully elaborated would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay with clear paragraphs, each beginning with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea of that paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to link your ideas within and across paragraphs but avoid overusing them.
coherence cohesion
Craft a conclusion that effectively summarizes your main points and restates your position. A strong essay will not introduce new ideas in the conclusion.
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