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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Several people assert that the main cause of crime is an economically disadvantaged background. However, others say that crime is caused by a person's nature.

#people #crime #background #person #nature
Some
people
 claim that a key driver of
crime
 is not being able to get an
education
due to
 poverty,
while
 others believe that
crime
 happens because some
people
 are born
in not being able
Verb problem
unable
show examples
 to feel guilty for wrong behaviours.
This
 essay will talk about both sides and their positions, and I will give my personal opinion on
this
 issue. On one hand, it might be that
people
 from
low-socioeconomic
Correct your spelling
low socioeconomic
show examples
 backgrounds did not have a chance to get a proper
education
.
For example
, in criminals’ childhood, their parents might have been busy working to earn money for them, and there were no adults at home teaching them the right behaviours or correcting them for their wrong actions. For another instance, they could not afford to go to school where they could get
moral
Correct article usage
a moral
show examples
education
 and learn moral principles, or they had to work
instead
 of going to school at a young age.
This
 makes
people
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 poverty grow up not being able to distinguish between what is right and wrong and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not take responsibility for their actions, leading them to commit
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
.
On the other hand
, others claim that they were born not being able to feel guilty for
unmoral
Correct your spelling
immoral
 actions. There are many reports that say that criminals who did not grow up in poor backgrounds committed
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 for fun. Some of them did not even want to apologise to the victim’s family, as they did not feel guilty for them.
This
 makes some
people
 believe that
people
 with
unmoral
Correct your spelling
immoral
 natures
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
commit
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 and
this
 is something that cannot be corrected.
While
 some believe that
people
 who are born with an
unmoral
Correct your spelling
immoral
 nature mainly commit a
crime
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
others claim that
crime
 is mainly caused by lack of
education
 given and taught to criminals
due to
 poverty, which I agree with. I believe that to address
this
 issue, the government needs to implement a scheme that provides children with a poor background with free home
schoolings
Fix the agreement mistake
schooling
show examples
 so that they have an opportunity to get
moral
Correct article usage
a moral
show examples
education
 and grow up as
socially-responsible
Correct your spelling
socially responsible
show examples
 adults.
Submitted by rlatpdms1411 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To achieve a higher score in coherence and cohesion, ensure that ideas flow naturally from one to another with the use of varied linking devices. Consider revising some sentences to avoid repetition and improve readability.
Task Achievement
For task achievement, aim to provide a more balanced discussion by addressing both points of view equally, providing clear topic sentences and expanding on specific examples to strengthen your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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