IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many people feel the urban encivronments are more unhealthy than they have ever been What do you think are the main causes of the problem? What measures can be effective in tackling this problem ?

#people #encivronments #measures
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In just
couple
Change the article
a couple
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 of decades, urban development has been massively developed and well-improved and it is one of the
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
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 why so many
people
Use synonyms
 are attracted to relocate
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 major or bigger
cities
Use synonyms
 from rural
region
Fix the agreement mistake
regions
show examples
. Overpopulated density and
traffic
Use synonyms
congestion
Use synonyms
 are the two main problems that
leading
Wrong verb form
have led
show examples
 the urban environment
become
Fix the infinitive
to become
show examples
 unhealthy throughout the years.
This
Linking Words
 essay will provide a deep understanding
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 those problems and what measures should be taken to
address
Correct pronoun usage
address them
show examples
. Many
people
Use synonyms
 moving
in
Rephrase
apply
show examples
from rural
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 to urban
region
Fix the agreement mistake
regions
show examples
 causes
Use synonyms
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
become
Fix the infinitive
to become
show examples
 denser each year.
As a result
Linking Words
,
cities
Use synonyms
 will reach an overpopulated situation someday and normally later they are dealing with a
traffic
Use synonyms
congestion
Use synonyms
 problem. Jakarta as
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 capital city of Indonesia,
for instance
Linking Words
, for many years
are
Verb problem
has
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 already
being
Wrong verb form
been
show examples
 overpopulated and at the same time dealing with air pollution
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
makes
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 air quality worsen and slowly threatening
people
Use synonyms
's health. One of the
cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
show examples
 is there are still lots of personal vehicles on the road
although
Linking Words
 local
authories
Correct your spelling
authorities
authorises
 already offered public transportation facilities. There are several different examples that both national and local
government
Fix the agreement mistake
governments
show examples
 can do to tackle overpopulated density and
traffic
Use synonyms
congestion
Use synonyms
 at once in urban
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
,
Tokyo
Use synonyms
 as the most populated
Use synonyms
cities
Fix the agreement mistake
city
show examples
 in the world has been implementing a policy to reduce the
population
Use synonyms
 there.
Local
Correct article usage
The local
show examples
 government offers millions of yen for everyone who
want
Change the verb form
wants
show examples
 to move out from
Tokyo
Use synonyms
 to any smaller
population
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, more and more
people
Use synonyms
 are willing to relocate to smaller
cities
Use synonyms
 and it leads
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 in
Tokyo
Use synonyms
 reducing slowly.
To conclude
Linking Words
, a large number of
people
Use synonyms
 feel that their environment in rural become
unhealthy
Correct quantifier usage
more unhealthy
show examples
 than before and mostly it is caused by
overpopulation
Correct article usage
the overpopulation
show examples
 problem that leads to
traffic
Use synonyms
congestion
Use synonyms
.
Tokyo
Use synonyms
 as a reference, has developed a policy to reduce
Use synonyms
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 giving their
people
Use synonyms
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
adequate money to relocate.
Submitted by pedrothedawn on

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task achievement
There appears to be a lack of clear introduction and conclusion that specifically addresses the prompt of main causes and effective measures directly, affecting task response. Review the essay structure to ensure that the introduction clearly states the main causes and measures, with the conclusion summarizing these points and restating the position.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat evident, but transitions between ideas could be smoother for enhanced readability and coherence. Consider using a variety of linking words and sentences to better connect paragraphs and main points.
coherence cohesion
While you've provided examples to support the main points, they require additional development and reference to the essay question to reinforce relevance. Back up your points with more detailed analysis and exemplification related to the urban environment health concerns mentioned in the prompt.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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