IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

#people #crime #prison #sentences #alternative
Nowadays an increasing number of
people
 are becoming concerned about their health and the quality of their diet. There are two diametrically opposed opinions on the matter. Some
people
 believe that each and every individual is responsible for their own health
while
 others state that it is the government that must ensure that the citizens have healthy eating habits. Personally, I believe that
people
 bear full responsibility for their
diets
 for a number of reasons.
First,
nowadays there is a vast variety of products that everyone can choose from, ensuring a balanced diet consisting of different types of products with sufficient vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates and fats. Everyone can balance their
diets
according to
 these factors and
also
 based on their taste preferences.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 vegetarians will prefer beans rich in protein
while
 omnivorous eaters might opt for meat
instead
.
Secondly
,
while
 governments cannot considerably vary in their healthy eating programs usually adhering to
'one
Correct article usage
a 'one
show examples
 size fits all' approach, individuals know exactly what they need in order to keep fit and healthy both generally speaking and in terms of
food
. We take
tailored
Add an article
the tailored
a tailored
show examples
 approach as we know exactly what we need to succeed in life,
be
Correct word choice
and be
show examples
 strong and healthy.
However
, others argue that the government is fully responsible for the kind of
food
 its population consume because they make decisions regarding the quality of
food
 their country produce and import
as well as
 prices.
For instance
, in many developing
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
people
 rarely have access to
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
food
,
thus
 being forced to choose something cheap like fast
food
.
Moreover
, the government can introduce legislation as regards
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
what kind of
food
 can be promoted, seen
for example
 in many European countries where the advertising of fast
food
, alcohol and cigarettes is prohibited.
These measure
Change the determiner
This measure
These measures
show examples
, it is argued, can affect the way we eat and control the
diets
 of the whole population. In conclusion,
while
 the
governments
Fix the agreement mistake
government
show examples
 may play a role in the choice of
food
 of its citizens, it is still the responsibility of every individual whether to eat
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 diet or not
due to
 many reasons being
that
Change preposition
as
show examples
 a variety of methods to balance their
diets
 or their finances. After all our life is in our hands!
Submitted by lolaadeoje on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and logical structure. it is important to organize your ideas coherently, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs that each focus on a single main point, and a conclusion that summarizes and reflects upon the key points made.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be improved. The introduction should clearly present the topics that will be discussed, and the conclusion should effectively summarize your essay's key arguments without introducing new ideas.
coherence cohesion
While you provide some support for your main points, the development is inadequate. Each paragraph should contain clear and developed arguments, supported by evidence, examples, or further explanation to strengthen them.
task achievement
Your response is generally on topic but your response misses the prompt about crime reduction and discusses health and diet instead. Please ensure that you address the specific topic given.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear, but they need to be expressed more comprehensively. Ensure your points are fully developed and provide further analysis or details to explain your position.
task achievement
Your essay should include more relevant specific examples to support your points. Whenever you make a claim, back it up with evidence or a clear example from real-life experience or knowledge.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: