IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #numbers #men #women #courses #adult #education #centre #year #information #ages #course #participants #report #university #lecturer #summarise #features #comparisons
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The bar chart depicts the
number
Use synonyms
 of
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 attending numerous courses at an educational centre,
while
Linking Words
 the pie chart illustrates the percentage of different
age
Use synonyms
 groups attending these courses in 2009. It is clear from the graphs, that
women
Use synonyms
 are higher in numbers than men except for the sculpture
course
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown, the
number
Use synonyms
 of people attending the drama
course
Use synonyms
 is 30 persons, which consists of 20
females
Use synonyms
 and 10
males
Use synonyms
, and painting has the highest
number
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 of
males
Use synonyms
 among all the courses with about 25
males
Use synonyms
 and 30
females
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.
In addition
Linking Words
,
sculpture
Correct article usage
the sculpture
show examples
course
Use synonyms
 has the fewest
number
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 of
participants
Use synonyms
 with
Linking Words
overall
Change the article
an overall
the overall
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of 15
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
, 10 men and 5
women
Use synonyms
.
Whereas
Linking Words
, the language
course
Use synonyms
 has the highest
number
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 of
comulative
Correct your spelling
cumulative
participants
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, and
thus
Linking Words
 the highest
number
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 of
women
Use synonyms
participants
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 with 40
females
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 and 20
males
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
50
Correct article usage
the 50
show examples
 or over
age
Use synonyms
 group
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 the highest percentage with 42%,
while
Linking Words
under
Correct article usage
the under
show examples
 20
age
Use synonyms
 group takes the lowest percentage of the pie. the 20-29, 30-39,and 40-49
takes
Correct subject-verb agreement
take
show examples
 11%, 16%, and 26%, respectively.
To sum up
Linking Words
, we could say that
women
Use synonyms
 were the highest amongst all of the
participants
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, except for the sculpturing
course
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the 50 or over
age
Use synonyms
 group took the biggest piece of the pie.
Submitted by osama2010b on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, males, females, age, women, course, participants with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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