IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Studies show that crime rates are lower among those with educational degrees. Therefore, the best way to reduce the crime rate is to educate criminals while they are still in prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Crime
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 has been around since the dawn of age, even when our first ancestors were alive. Some research states that in order to lessen
crime
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rates
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, you have to educate the
criminals
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while
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 they are in jail. In
this
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 essay, I am going to shed some light on why I agree with
this
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 statement.
Firstly
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, educating
criminals
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 and showing them what
crimes
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 can do to society, might definitely lower the
crime
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rates
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. To illustrate, showing the
criminals
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 their doings with their own eyes, and telling them the consequences of
this
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 thing, will help them to stop what they are doing.
In addition
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,
crime
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rates
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 are much higher in
countries
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 with low or no
education
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 than in
countries
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 with higher
education
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.
For instance
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, a recent study done by Harvard University states that
crime
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rates
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 are higher by 70% in developing
countries
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 than in developed
countries
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.
Secondly
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,
criminals
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 tend to commit
crimes
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 for money, and
thus
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 we must educate
criminals
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 in order to let them have jobs to help themselves and their families.
For example
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,
crimes
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 that happen now in Uganda are because of poverty. So, the UN must help them get enough
education
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, to let them engage in jobs that help their country flourish.
Also
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,
education
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 helps
criminals
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 to be an active part of society by teaching them the history of
crimes
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, and how
crimes
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 can bring down whole nations.
This
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 can be seen when the
crime
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rates
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 were extremely high and led to the fall of the Byzantine Empire. In conclusion,
crimes
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 are horrific actions that are mostly done by uneducated people.
crime
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rates
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 can be lowered, if we offer the ease of access to
education
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.
This
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 can be achieved if we show
criminals
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 what
crimes
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 can do to society, and offer them the right
education
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 to let them have the jobs they deserve.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, and that the thesis statement in the introduction is well-defined and strongly supported throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas across sentences and paragraphs more effectively, and employ paragraphing skillfully to enhance the logical flow of the essay.
task achievement
To fully achieve the task, there should be a more thorough exploration of the topic and a well-rounded argument. Avoid overgeneralizations and ensure points are backed up by adequate explanations or examples.
task achievement
Make sure ideas are expressed clearly and developed comprehensively. The essay should delve deeply into the topic and explore nuances and complexities.
task achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate your points, ensuring they are directly relevant to the argument being made. Avoid general statements and strive for precise, detailed evidence to support your claims.
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