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Band 3.5

Various career and academic choices taken by high school graduates in Lakeside country in 2010 and 2020.

#career #choices #school #graduates #lakeside #country
The pie charts compare different
profession
Fix the agreement mistake
professions
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 and academic choices taken by graduates of high school in Lakeside country from 2010 to 2020. At first glance,
it is clear that
 a large number of students decided to study at college in both years,
while
 the graduates who went
for working
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to work
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 in freelance and informal sectors had witnessed
marginal
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a marginal
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 decline within a decade. Turning into the details, in 2010, the largest proportion of
young
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the young
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 generation with
degree
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degrees
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going
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went
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 to
the
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apply
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academic places that
was
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were
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 accounted for 55%,
following
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followed
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 by
these
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those
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 who made a decision about labouring ,24%. Interestingly, degree holders
were remain
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remained
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 the same in both sections, which were setting up their own businesses and the students with no idea, 5%.
Lastly
, young adults with the idea of working in unofficial fields made up
for
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apply
show examples
11% and ranked third place in the chart. With regard to the graph in 2020, the
amount
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number
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 of students going to college and starting
business
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businesses
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 increased dramatically, the former and latter
on
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apply
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constituted 24% and 38%, respectively. The percentage of graduates without any idea
marked
Verb problem
was
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 15% and it was 5% higher
compare
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compared
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 to the rate of
student
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students
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 who had
tendency
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a tendency
the tendency
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 to find a job.
Nevertheless
, working in freelance sectors made up
for
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apply
show examples
13% which
was
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apply
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experienced negligible growth than
previous
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the previous
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 one.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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introduction conclusion present
Your introduction provides a general overview, but it lacks a clear thesis statement that summarizes the key trends or features. It is important for the reader to have a clear indication of the main comparisons or changes that the essay will discuss.
logical structure
While you have attempted to organize the essay into paragraphs, the transitions between ideas are sometimes awkward, and the logical flow could be improved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and topic sentences that clearly signal what the paragraph will discuss.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay addresses the prompt, but the key points could be expressed more clearly and concisely. Avoid repetition of ideas and focus on expanding on the details with clear and relevant examples. Make sure you compare the data between the years clearly to fulfil the requirements of the task.
relevant specific examples
You did reference specific data, but the examples need to be accurately reflected with percentages and compared between the two years. Explain the significance of the data in the context of the prompt and ensure that the examples are used to support the main points effectively.
supported main points
Make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea or theme, which is then followed by supporting information. The relationship between your ideas should be explicit, with paragraphs and sentences logically connected to one another. Consider using a compare and contrast structure when discussing the differences or similarities between the two years.
complete response
To better achieve the task, ensure that the essay fully addresses the question. This includes providing a balanced comparison between the career and academic choices in both 2010 and 2020. Ensure that the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reflects the information provided in the body paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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