IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Various career and academic choices taken by high school graduates in Lakeside country in 2010 and 2020.

#career #choices #school #graduates #lakeside #country
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The pie charts compare different
profession
Fix the agreement mistake
professions
show examples
 and academic choices taken by graduates of high school in Lakeside country from 2010 to 2020. At first glance,
it is clear that
 a large number of students decided to study at college in both years,
while
 the graduates who went
for working
Change preposition
to work
show examples
 in freelance and informal sectors had witnessed
marginal
Correct article usage
a marginal
show examples
 decline within a decade. Turning into the details, in 2010, the largest proportion of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation with
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
going
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic places that
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 accounted for 55%,
following
Wrong verb form
followed
show examples
 by
these
Correct pronoun usage
those
show examples
 who made a decision about labouring ,24%. Interestingly, degree holders
were remain
Change the verb form
remained
show examples
 the same in both sections, which were setting up their own businesses and the students with no idea, 5%.
Lastly
, young adults with the idea of working in unofficial fields made up
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
11% and ranked third place in the chart. With regard to the graph in 2020, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of students going to college and starting
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 increased dramatically, the former and latter
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
constituted 24% and 38%, respectively. The percentage of graduates without any idea
marked
Verb problem
was
show examples
 15% and it was 5% higher
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to the rate of
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 who had
tendency
Add an article
a tendency
the tendency
show examples
 to find a job.
Nevertheless
, working in freelance sectors made up
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
13% which
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
experienced negligible growth than
previous
Correct article usage
the previous
show examples
 one.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Your introduction provides a general overview, but it lacks a clear thesis statement that summarizes the key trends or features. It is important for the reader to have a clear indication of the main comparisons or changes that the essay will discuss.
logical structure
While you have attempted to organize the essay into paragraphs, the transitions between ideas are sometimes awkward, and the logical flow could be improved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and topic sentences that clearly signal what the paragraph will discuss.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay addresses the prompt, but the key points could be expressed more clearly and concisely. Avoid repetition of ideas and focus on expanding on the details with clear and relevant examples. Make sure you compare the data between the years clearly to fulfil the requirements of the task.
relevant specific examples
You did reference specific data, but the examples need to be accurately reflected with percentages and compared between the two years. Explain the significance of the data in the context of the prompt and ensure that the examples are used to support the main points effectively.
supported main points
Make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea or theme, which is then followed by supporting information. The relationship between your ideas should be explicit, with paragraphs and sentences logically connected to one another. Consider using a compare and contrast structure when discussing the differences or similarities between the two years.
complete response
To better achieve the task, ensure that the essay fully addresses the question. This includes providing a balanced comparison between the career and academic choices in both 2010 and 2020. Ensure that the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reflects the information provided in the body paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: