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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many people think that it is a waste of money to try to save endangered animal species, for example the tiger or the blue whale. To what extent you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #waste #money #species #tiger #whale
Nowadays, a lot of individuals believe that using finances
for helping
Change preposition
to help
show examples
 animal species that are in danger,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
 the tiger or the blue whale, is a waste of funds.
While
this
 may be accurate to some extent, I personally believe that we can use the
money
 in other ways that would benefit society
such
 as for the
people
 in need and restructuring the country’s weaknesses that may be corruption, low salaries and poor arranged places. Saving endangered species is a must nowadays. We as humans, should always give a hand of help to nature when it tends to need that.
However
, a lot of
people
, including myself, believe that using
money
 on
this
 is a waste
due to
 the fact that it can be made
us
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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of
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apply
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in other areas
such
 as for the poor or homeless individuals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are in need of some financial support or food so they can get back on track. An example of
this
 would be the volunteer work funded by the government that would offer free food and clothes for the
people
 on the streets.
Nevertheless
, it would be quite a hard hit on our human emotions if we
would
Verb problem
did
show examples
 not help the species that are endangered. They are the animals that lived with us for millions of years,
therefore
, we must save them no matter the costs. Helping them reproduce and taking care of them would benefit us economically as well since we can place the tiger in a zoo and invite
people
 to visit it for a price.
Furthermore
, the
money
 used for helping the carnivores and herbivores that are going extinct
,
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apply
show examples
 will actually return with bigger profits,
while
 still rescuing and giving them the help required. In conclusion,
while
 many
people
 are of the opinion that
money
 used for saving animals in danger
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a waste, I am truly of the view that it has many positive effects despite the fact that we can use those funds for something else like assisting
homeless
Correct article usage
the homeless
show examples
people
 or for building new parks, roads and office buildings.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
The introduction should clearly state your position on the issue to immediately let the reader know where you stand. Aim for a thesis statement that is directly responsive to the essay prompt.
task achievement
Provide a more balanced argument by giving equal treatment to both sides and by discussing more thoroughly your reasons for agreeing or disagreeing with the statement.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving your essay's structure by having a clear opening statement, well-organized body paragraphs each starting with a topic sentence, and a succinct conclusion that summarizes your main points.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of linking words and cohesive devices to better connect ideas and paragraphs. This enhances the flow of your essay and makes it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
Support your main points with specific examples. This will strengthen your argument and show the examiner that you can use your knowledge and experience to substantiate your views.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • endangered species
  • biodiversity
  • intrinsic value
  • existential threat
  • ecosystem
  • conservation
  • economic benefits
  • funding allocation
  • competing needs
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