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Band 4.5

More and more parents allow their children to play on computers as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development overweigh the disadvantages?

#parents #children #computers #technology #skills #development #overweigh
These days, more and more people incorporate technology devices in many different
context
Change to a plural noun
contexts
show examples
 in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
,
no
Change preposition
with no
show examples
 exception for parents. They start to think
some
Change preposition
of some
show examples
 advantages for their
children
 and let them
exploring
Wrong verb form
explore
show examples
 deeply, especially on
computers
since
Change preposition
from
show examples
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
 young age. In my point of view,
although
 there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 some negative consequences
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
the positive effects
overweigh
Verb problem
outweigh
show examples
 them. Being exposed to
computers
 in
early
Correct article usage
the early
show examples
 days can turn out as a huge benefit for
children
 in later
stage
Fix the agreement mistake
stages
show examples
. If
children
 are
encougared
Correct your spelling
encouraged
 to learn technology skills from
computers
 properly and wisely, they will gain
enourmous
Correct your spelling
enormous
 benefits in the long run.
Children
 can retrieve and learn new knowledge
such
 as science, mathematics and any subjects
children
 want to learn from
computers
instead
 of playing video games for hours.
Children
 in Singapore,
for instance
, is one of the strongest in STEM skill and ranked
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 many advanced
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 countries.
Nevertheless
, playing too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 hours on
computers
 has
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
negative
consequence
Fix the agreement mistake
consequences
show examples
such
making
Change preposition
as making
show examples
children
addict
Change the form of the verb
addicted
show examples
 to it.
Children
 who are already being addicted to the computer, normally do not go outside as much as the
children
 who are not.
As a result
,
children
 will have less time to play with their friends and not
able
Add a missing verb
be able
show examples
 to learn social skills. To prevent that from
being happened
Wrong verb form
happening
show examples
, their parents should seriously take measures
such
 as giving a lesson to their
children
 to use
computers
 only for learning
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
 and allowing them to use just one
until
Change preposition
to
show examples
 two hours
only
Rephrase
apply
show examples
each day. In conclusion, not only playing
computers
Change preposition
with computers
show examples
 will make
children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
learn technology skills, but
also
 they can use
computers
 as a source of knowledge to learn any subjects they want.
Although
 there is still
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
negative consequence
such
being
Change preposition
as being
show examples
 addicted to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computers
,
yet
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the benefits
overweigh
Verb problem
outweigh
show examples
 the disadvantages as long as
children
 is under
control
Correct article usage
the control
show examples
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 parents.
Submitted by pedrothedawn on

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task achievement
The essay adequately addresses the task, providing a clear position that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. However, to reach a higher score, ensure that the position is consistently maintained throughout the essay and developed with a more balanced discussion of both sides.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical sequence of ideas can be improved by better paragraphing and clearer topic sentences to guide the reader. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the supporting sentences are relevant to that idea

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