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Band 5

It is more important for the government to spend money on promoting the healthy lifestyle to prevent illness rather than on the treatment of people who are really ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#government #money #lifestyle #illness #treatment #people
Many
people
 argue that the government play a fundamental role in preventing illness by using
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 budget to promote a healthy lifestyle rather than on the treatment of
people
 who are really ill. Personally, I completely agree with
this
 view. On the one hand, it is necessary that the government should promote a healthy lifestyle for
people
 because the health of
people
 is the best value treasure of a nation.
Firstly
, in a society without illness, citizens can study and work better to develop the national economy.
Secondly
,
people
 can save a lot of money on expensive medical treatment costs.
For instance
, in developed nations
such
 as Japan the average life expectancy of the
people
 is very high because their health communication policies are very focused.
Therefore
, I believe that prevention is better than treatment.
By contrast
, if the government do not care about promoting, the
people
 will not have knowledge about health to protect themselves and it is easy for a pandemic to attack
this
 country.
For example
, in covid-19 pandemic, if the governments had not communicated promptly, many
people
 would have died of the virus. In conclusion, promoting certainly has its benefits, and I think the governments will increasingly focus on it.
Submitted by weezel on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that both sides of the argument are represented when discussing 'to what extent' you agree or disagree. This essay could benefit from examining more perspectives rather than agreeing 'completely' with just one viewpoint.
Coherence and Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of linking words to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs. This will enhance the readability and overall coherence of your essay.
Task Achievement
Use more specific examples and data to strengthen the arguments presented. While the essay makes some valid points, it currently reads more like a series of statements than a well-supported argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Avoid repetition of ideas and phrases to maintain the reader's interest and show a broader range of vocabulary and expression.
Task Achievement
Avoid overly simplistic statements and consider exploring the counterargument deeply to provide a more nuanced view.
Coherence and Cohesion
Check for subject-verb agreement and other basic grammatical errors to ensure the essay is linguistically accurate.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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