IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

: Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the punishment. Why are this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

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In
this
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 modern world, it is true that
crimes
Use synonyms
 have risen all over the world. There are many offenders committing
crimes
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 once they are released from prison. The cause of
this
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 might be a lack of education during imprisonment or an inability to obtain employment, potentially leading to re-offending.
However
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, the problems are solvable, and there is a potential solution to prevent the situation.
To begin
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 with, there are numerous reasons why offenders commit
crimes
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 once they are released from prison.
Due to
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 corporal punishment and uneducated when they are imprisoned, their mental behaviour changes, and for that reason, they commit offences again.
For example
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, during their term time, they are punished brutally by prisoners, and uneducated properly by jailers, which causes them to lose their mental capability.
Additionally
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, inability to obtain employment, proof of
this
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 is that to be able to work as a normal person
also
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 challenges them.
On the other hand
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, there are some solutions to eliminate
this
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 problem very effectively.
Firstly
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, the
government
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 should implement education programs in jail to educate prisoners and give them an opportunity to be able to study
while
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 they are in prison, including providing official qualifications
such
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 as a diploma, or bachelor’s degree.
Secondly
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, the
government
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 should support companies to help offenders with job pathways.
For instance
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, the
government
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 subsidises the company to employ ex-convicts to motivate companies.
To sum up
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, with corporal punishment, and not being able to work as normal individuals they committed
crimes
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 again when they were discharged.
However
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, providing education, or pathway job support from the
government
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 is a game-changing of stop them from committing
crimes
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.

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task achievement
You need to ensure that your essay directly addresses all parts of the task. Your response should be developed with a clear position throughout the response. Your main ideas don't seem fully extended or well supported with specific examples. Consider expanding on your ideas with more detail and evidence for a higher score.
coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a generally good use of cohesion and coherence. Paragraphing is managed, and there is a clear overall progression. However, the logical sequencing of sentences can be improved for clarity. Additionally, work on varying your connectives and transition phrases for a smoother reading experience. To elevate your score, refine the clarity of your topic sentences and ensure your main points within each paragraph are well-developed and not repetitive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • recidivism
  • reintegration
  • rehabilitation programs
  • economic hardship
  • employment opportunities
  • social stigma
  • discrimination
  • psychological issues
  • mental health problems
  • substance abuse
  • negative peer influence
  • incarceration
  • offenders
  • ex-convicts
  • recidivist
  • penal system
  • preventative measures
  • re-offend
  • criminal justice system
  • reintegration strategies
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