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Band 6.5

It is neither possible nor useful to provide university places for a high proportion of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#university #places #proportion #people
Some
people
 believe that equipping almost all youngsters with tertiary education is impossible and unnecessary. From my point of view, I completely disagree with
this
 idea. Having a
university
 degree has a vital role in the future of young
people
 in
this
 knowledge-based society. There is no doubt that studying at
university
 is a good way for the young generation to accumulate knowledge in diverse fields which is required for their future careers.
For instance
, nowadays, in the recruitment process of businesses, employers not only review candidates’ profiles but
also
 conduct several tests to check how the applicants understand the industry they are applying for.
In addition
, having formal qualifications is very useful to the resume of a young person when they officially take part in the national workforce. In
this
 case, qualifications act as the passport for them to gain the first approval before they go through lots of other next hiring steps. We can not deny the fact that some
people
 can become successful without studying at
university
, though
this
 scenario would never happen for a high proportion of young
people
. At the same time, I strongly believe that it is possible to provide almost all young
people
 with tertiary education from both economic and quality control perspectives.
Firstly
, from an economic view, the government does not need to build huge universities which can hurt their budget to equip students with knowledge.
Instead
, they can share the responsibility with provincial authorities in terms of facilitating
university
 places for youngsters so that each province can own and control several academic institutions.
Furthermore
, to ensure high quality in the training process, it is a beneficial way to recruit not only academics but experienced executives in the real world as well.
This
 may reduce the pressure
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 hiring enough lecturers and can diversify the sources of knowledge at the same time. In conclusion, we should and can provide our young generation with tertiary education since it is vital to create well-equipped
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 in the future.
Submitted by hoangminhtri127 on

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coherence cohesion
You articulated a clear position throughout your response and presented a logical structure. However, you could benefit from using a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the link between ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Your essay includes a consistent argument and relevant main points. It would be improved by the use of more specific examples to support your arguments. In particular, actual data, research, or case studies could provide robust support for your claims.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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