IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Older people often choose to spend money on themselves (e.g. on holidays) rather than save money for their children after retirement. Is this a positive or negative development?

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During
life
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, many parents prefer to spend their
money
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 on their
children
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. But the older they become than more
money
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 they prefer to use for themselves than collect them for kids. I believe that a positive effect is much better than a negative one. First of all, as time passes, elderly
people
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 start to trust
children
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 more.
In other words
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, they see that kids are going to be well-qualified and prosperous individuals and can cope with their problems alone.
That is
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 why they are experiencing relief in terms of adoption and endless help to kids.
In addition
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, healthy egoism lets them spend more
money
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 without feeling anxious or guilty.
For example
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, many aged
people
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 travel a lot, taking high expenditure. They feel that their
children
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's duties are over.
Secondly
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, after a certain age, many
people
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 feel that they are going to be older and
life
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 is not endless.
Nevertheless
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, they have spent their
life
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, and they have not seen much of what upsets a lot of
people
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.
This
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 is because their
life
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 has passed in the care of somebody else, even their
children
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.
Thus
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, many retiring
people
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 try to supply the end of their
life
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 by pursuing their dreams and endeavours. Evidently,
this
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 deliverance can bring the whole family to better harmonical relationships.
To sum up
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, it is the tendency to spend more
money
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 on retired
people
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 for themselves rather than on
children
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 has a certain positive basement.
Such
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 things as decreasing internal anxiety and growing wish to follow their own dreams prioritise
money
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 expenditures.

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Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure that the introduction presents the topic clearly and previews the main points of the essay. Your conclusion should also restate the main argument and summarize the key points.
Supporting Arguments
Develop your main points with clear explanations and more specific examples to support your arguments. This will help to provide a more convincing and thorough discussion of the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on creating better logical connections between your ideas by using a wider range of cohesive devices such as conjunctions, synonyms, and referencing words. This will make the structure of the essay clearer and the argument more coherent.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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