IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #time #loss #species #plants #animals
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Some people argue that the primary environmental problem of today's world is the loss of certain species of flora and fauna,
while
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 others believe that there are more pressing environmental
issues
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and my personal opinion regarding
this
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 matter. On one hand, it is undeniable that the loss of our biodiversity has led to an imbalance in our ecosystem. Each
plants
Change to a singular noun
plant
show examples
 and
animals
Fix the agreement mistake
animal
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 has its own role in the ecosystem and it can properly function when all living creatures fulfil their natural tasks to maintain the sustainability of all lives.
For instance
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,
white
Add an article
the white
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 shark is the natural predator of jellyfish and has a role to
maintan
Correct your spelling
maintain
 the population of jellyfish in the sea.
However
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, the population of white share nowadays has rapidly declined
due to
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 overfishing.
This
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 has led to the booming number of jellyfish that eventually
threatens
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threaten
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 the equilibrium of the sea.
On the other hand
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, others think that there are other
issues
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 that require
a
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apply
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more immediate action,
such
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 as
climate
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change
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.
This
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 is because
climate
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change
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 may have negative impacts
to
Change preposition
on
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 various sectors.
A recent
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Recent
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 research shows that
climate
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change
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 has increased the number of natural disasters,
such
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 as flood and drought, which eventually disturbs
the
Correct article usage
apply
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agricultural activities.
As a consequence
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, food security is threatened. The environmental problems have indeed sparked various debates in
regards
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regard
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 to which
issues
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 must be prioritized. Some people believe that it is necessary to restore the lost biodiversity
while
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 others urge to give more attention to more urgent
issues
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,
such
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 as
climate
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change
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. I personally agree with the latter because
climate
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change
Use synonyms
 has proven to put all living creatures including humans, animals, and plants in danger.
Submitted by tnindrasetiawan on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that you provide a clear introduction, body, and conclusion to structure your essay effectively. In this essay, the introductory paragraph could be improved by explicitly stating the thesis or your own opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
There can be more logical sequencing between the arguments for a smoother flow of ideas. The transition between paragraphs can be enhanced by using a wider range of cohesive devices.
Coherence and Cohesion
To achieve a higher score, support your main points with more detailed and developed examples. Expanding the discussion on the examples provided could offer a deeper insight into the argument, strengthening the essay's coherence.
Task Achievement
Make sure your response fully addresses all parts of the task. This essay does discuss both views and includes a personal opinion, which satisfies the task requirements.
Task Achievement
Aim to develop your ideas more comprehensively. Some points are introduced but not explored in depth, which suggests that you could elaborate further to demonstrate a better understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples that directly support your arguments. The examples given are somewhat generic and not sufficiently detailed to underpin the main point of each respective paragraph.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • extinction
  • habitat loss
  • ecosystem
  • food chain
  • imbalance
  • interconnected
  • climate change
  • pollution
  • personal actions
  • policy changes
  • education
  • awareness
What to do next:
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