IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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In
this
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 contemporary era, the amount of
time
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 spent on
gadgets
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 by
children
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 has increased
therefore
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, it has become a topic of concern for many. There are various rationales that are leading to
such
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development
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. I will mention my opinion about whether it is a favourable
development
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 or negative in
upcoming
Correct article usage
the upcoming
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 paragraphs. To commence with the causes, the first and foremost is availability or accessibility as these days the count of cellphones is the same as the number of family members in a home
therefore
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, the chances of grabbing
gadgets
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 are more.
Additionally
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, the freebies available on smartphones lure
children
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 toward themselves. In detail, the free applications that are available for entertainment inveigle the naive minds of
children
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 into developing the thinking of playing games, watching videos and listening to music. To exemplify, as per the interview of the developer ,
Tik Tok
Correct your spelling
the TikTok
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 application is making a huge profit and
that is
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 the result of the addictive nature of the app means youngsters spend hours a day on
Tik tok
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TikTok
while
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 watching videos without keeping track of
time
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.
Thus
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, the entertainment and internet are two reasons for the addictiveness of phones. Probing ahead, reliance on
gadgets
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 for studies and academic purposes is
also
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 one of the reasons for
this
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 issue.In detail , these days paper and pen writing are not
prefered
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preferred
 by academic institutes and laptop assignments and projects are a pattern of study.
Therefore
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,
children
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 are more likely to spend
time
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 on
gadgets
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.
For instance
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, in Canada, online classes and projector usage
is
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apply
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a very common
method
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methods
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 of teaching.
Hence
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, academic institutes play a prominent role in giving devices to hands of
children
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. In my opinion, undoubtedly, technology has numerous pros but the drawbacks cannot be neglected ,and
this
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development
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 is unfavourable from my standpoint because regular use of
cellphones
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cell phones
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 leads to various ailments like eye-related issues and
also
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 results in becoming
children
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 introverted as more screen
time
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 means less social interaction.
Thus
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 ,
this
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 is not a positive
development
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. To recapitulate, as per the aforementioned assertions, it can be concluded that parents should be responsible for controlling the screen
time
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 of their
children
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 as there could be many negative consequences of giving more
time
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 to
cellphones
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cell phones
show examples
.
Submitted by gill.g24 on

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task achievement
The essay generally addresses the task, but you need to focus on thoroughly addressing all parts of the prompt. Ensure that the essay fully covers the reasons for children spending hours on their smartphones as well as providing a more balanced discussion on the positive and negative implications. Your views should be clear and fully developed throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay shows attempts at coherently linking ideas, but the logical sequencing of information can be improved. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all supporting sentences effectively relate to that main idea. Use a wider range of cohesive devices to better link ideas and paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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