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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health

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It is undeniable that the advent of electronic inventions
help
Wrong verb form
helped
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 transform the way
people
Use synonyms
 live, work, and entertain themselves conveniently. Some
people
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 argue that they do less and less physical activity
due to
Linking Words
 the reliance on these
devives
Correct your spelling
devices
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, contributing to potential negative effects on our
health
Use synonyms
. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint is true in some cases.
Firstly
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, the prevalence of computers and televisions brings a new lifestyle,
that is
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,
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle. Many daily activities that were once physically demanding,
such
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 as manual
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 or outdoor recreation, have been gradually replaced by more sedentary tasks like sitting at a desk for work or watching television shows.
This
Linking Words
 reduction in physical activity can lead to a range of
heath
Correct your spelling
health
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 issues
such
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 as obesity,
myopic
Replace the word
myopia
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, or a higher risk of chronic conditions.
For example
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,
people
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 spend their spare time watching TV, surfing online or chatting with friends more regularly than they
were
Verb problem
did
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 in the past
due to
Linking Words
 the development of electronic devices.
Therefore
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, they don't do so much physical exercise.
However
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, there are many reasons for
a
Remove the article
apply
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worse
health
Use synonyms
. These are,
people
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eat
Correct pronoun usage
who eat
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 more food than in the past or their
life
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 is getting more and more busy so they do not have enough time to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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exercise frequently.
Moreover
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, new technologies even
brings
Change the verb form
bring
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 brilliant advantages to our
life
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such
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 as better medicine or remedy, which enhance our
life
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 standard and lengthen our
life
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 expectancy.
Therefore
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, we should not blame modern technologies for everything. In short,
while
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 electronic inventions have undoubtedly improved various aspects of our lives, the associated decrease in physical activity raises legitimate concerns about its impact on
health
Use synonyms
.
However
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,
people
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 live more healthily now thanks to the improvement of technology. So, it is
unresonable
Correct your spelling
unreasonable
to conclude
Linking Words
 that electronic inventions have had harmful effects on our
health
Use synonyms

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear and logical structure throughout. Organize your ideas into clear paragraphs and make sure it flows smoothly by using a range of cohesive devices appropriately.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion that effectively outline the main points and restate your position. This helps the reader to understand your argument from the beginning and reminds them of your stance at the end.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support the main points with specific examples and fully developed ideas. While you have made a general link between technology and health, providing more specific examples could strengthen your essay.
Task Achievement
Ensure that you give a complete response to the prompt by addressing all parts of the task. Expand on how electronic inventions may have both positive and negative effects on health, and balance your argument accordingly.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas comprehensively, explaining and elaborating on how specific electronic inventions could impact physical activity and health more precisely. An example or two illustrating your point would enhance the clearness of your argument.
Task Achievement
Make use of relevant and specific examples to support your argument. While you provided a general discussion, incorporating specific instances or statistical information would add depth to your essay and demonstrate a better understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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