As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health
It is undeniable that the advent of electronic inventions
help
transform the way Wrong verb form
helped
people
live, work, and entertain themselves conveniently. Some Use synonyms
people
argue that they do less and less physical activity Use synonyms
due to
the reliance on these Linking Words
devives
, contributing to potential negative effects on our Correct your spelling
devices
health
. In my opinion, Use synonyms
this
viewpoint is true in some cases.
Linking Words
Firstly
, the prevalence of computers and televisions brings a new lifestyle, Linking Words
that is
, Linking Words
sedentary
lifestyle. Many daily activities that were once physically demanding, Correct article usage
a sedentary
such
as manual Linking Words
labor
or outdoor recreation, have been gradually replaced by more sedentary tasks like sitting at a desk for work or watching television shows. Change the spelling
labour
This
reduction in physical activity can lead to a range of Linking Words
heath
issues Correct your spelling
health
such
as obesity, Linking Words
myopic
, or a higher risk of chronic conditions. Replace the word
myopia
For example
, Linking Words
people
spend their spare time watching TV, surfing online or chatting with friends more regularly than they Use synonyms
were
in the past Verb problem
did
due to
the development of electronic devices. Linking Words
Therefore
, they don't do so much physical exercise.
Linking Words
However
, there are many reasons for Linking Words
a
worse Remove the article
apply
health
. These are, Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
eat
more food than in the past or their Correct pronoun usage
who eat
life
is getting more and more busy so they do not have enough time to Use synonyms
do
exercise frequently. Unnecessary verb
apply
Moreover
, new technologies even Linking Words
brings
brilliant advantages to our Change the verb form
bring
life
Use synonyms
such
as better medicine or remedy, which enhance our Linking Words
life
standard and lengthen our Use synonyms
life
expectancy. Use synonyms
Therefore
, we should not blame modern technologies for everything.
In short, Linking Words
while
electronic inventions have undoubtedly improved various aspects of our lives, the associated decrease in physical activity raises legitimate concerns about its impact on Linking Words
health
. Use synonyms
However
, Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
also
live more healthily now thanks to the improvement of technology. So, it is Linking Words
unresonable
Correct your spelling
unreasonable
to conclude
that electronic inventions have had harmful effects on our Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear and logical structure throughout. Organize your ideas into clear paragraphs and make sure it flows smoothly by using a range of cohesive devices appropriately.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion that effectively outline the main points and restate your position. This helps the reader to understand your argument from the beginning and reminds them of your stance at the end.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support the main points with specific examples and fully developed ideas. While you have made a general link between technology and health, providing more specific examples could strengthen your essay.
Task Achievement
Ensure that you give a complete response to the prompt by addressing all parts of the task. Expand on how electronic inventions may have both positive and negative effects on health, and balance your argument accordingly.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas comprehensively, explaining and elaborating on how specific electronic inventions could impact physical activity and health more precisely. An example or two illustrating your point would enhance the clearness of your argument.
Task Achievement
Make use of relevant and specific examples to support your argument. While you provided a general discussion, incorporating specific instances or statistical information would add depth to your essay and demonstrate a better understanding of the topic.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?