As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health
It is undeniable that the advent of electronic inventions
help
transform the way Wrong verb form
helped
people
live, work, and entertain themselves conveniently. Some people
argue that they do less and less physical activity due to
the reliance on these devives
, contributing to potential negative effects on our Correct your spelling
devices
health
. In my opinion, this
viewpoint is true in some cases.
Firstly
, the prevalence of computers and televisions brings a new lifestyle, that is
, sedentary
lifestyle. Many daily activities that were once physically demanding, Correct article usage
a sedentary
such
as manual labor
or outdoor recreation, have been gradually replaced by more sedentary tasks like sitting at a desk for work or watching television shows. Change the spelling
labour
This
reduction in physical activity can lead to a range of heath
issues Correct your spelling
health
such
as obesity, myopic
, or a higher risk of chronic conditions. Replace the word
myopia
For example
, people
spend their spare time watching TV, surfing online or chatting with friends more regularly than they were
in the past Verb problem
did
due to
the development of electronic devices. Therefore
, they don't do so much physical exercise.
However
, there are many reasons for a
worse Remove the article
apply
health
. These are, people
eat
more food than in the past or their Correct pronoun usage
who eat
life
is getting more and more busy so they do not have enough time to do
exercise frequently. Unnecessary verb
apply
Moreover
, new technologies even brings
brilliant advantages to our Change the verb form
bring
life
such
as better medicine or remedy, which enhance our life
standard and lengthen our life
expectancy. Therefore
, we should not blame modern technologies for everything.
In short, while
electronic inventions have undoubtedly improved various aspects of our lives, the associated decrease in physical activity raises legitimate concerns about its impact on health
. However
, people
also
live more healthily now thanks to the improvement of technology. So, it is unresonable
Correct your spelling
unreasonable
to conclude
that electronic inventions have had harmful effects on our health
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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear and logical structure throughout. Organize your ideas into clear paragraphs and make sure it flows smoothly by using a range of cohesive devices appropriately.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion that effectively outline the main points and restate your position. This helps the reader to understand your argument from the beginning and reminds them of your stance at the end.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support the main points with specific examples and fully developed ideas. While you have made a general link between technology and health, providing more specific examples could strengthen your essay.
Task Achievement
Ensure that you give a complete response to the prompt by addressing all parts of the task. Expand on how electronic inventions may have both positive and negative effects on health, and balance your argument accordingly.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas comprehensively, explaining and elaborating on how specific electronic inventions could impact physical activity and health more precisely. An example or two illustrating your point would enhance the clearness of your argument.
Task Achievement
Make use of relevant and specific examples to support your argument. While you provided a general discussion, incorporating specific instances or statistical information would add depth to your essay and demonstrate a better understanding of the topic.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?