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Band 4.5

Currently, there is a trend towards alternative forms of medicine. However, at the best these methods are ineffective, and worst, they may be dangerous. In what extend do you agree with this statement.

#trend #alternative #forms #medicine #methods
In the modern days popularity of unofficial kinds of healing grows
with
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at
show examples
 a high speed.
Although
 these kinds of
treatment
Fix the agreement mistake
treatments
show examples
 can be cheap and widely accessible, I strongly believe they don’t work in a proper way and
sometime
Replace the word
sometimes
show examples
 can be harmful. The
alternative
 forms of
medicine
 don’t work as much
effective
Change the word
effectively
show examples
 as the official kind of
medicine
.
In other words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unofficial healing has existed
at
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for at
show examples
 least ten thousand
years
 but it has not influenced
on
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apply
show examples
life
extension
 in
real
Change the article
a real
show examples
 way.
For example
,
an
Correct article usage
the
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 average
life
extension
 of people 2000
years
 ago was 26
years
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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only 31
years
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the beginning of the
eighteen
Correct your spelling
eighteenth
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centuries
Fix the agreement mistake
century
show examples
.
However
, only after
invention
Add an article
the invention
show examples
 of penicillin and blood transfusion by scientists, the
life
extension
doubled
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double
show examples
 and now it is 72
years
 old in developed countries.
Due to
this
, the
alternative
medicine
 does not show results
like
Replace the word
as
show examples
 official does. In the same way, the
alternative
 forms of
medicine
 may be even dangerous. Some people trust for
fairy-tails
Correct your spelling
tales
show examples
 of magic kind of healing and waste their valuable time
instead
 of taking
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real
medicine
 help. Especially, it closely relates to serious
disease
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diseases
show examples
such
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
heart
attack
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attacks
show examples
, cancer or dementia which can be solved by
the
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apply
show examples
conventional
medicine
 with a good possibility. At the same
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 nobody provides any examples that cancer can be healed by some grass.
Consequently
, responsible prevention by
medicine
 treatment can save a
life
 and boost the
life
extension
 but
alternative
medicine
 can mislead people and
brings
Correct subject-verb agreement
bring
show examples
 them to premature death.
To sum up
, many individuals undeservedly believe in some miracle and
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 cheap
alternative
 to official
medicine
. Despite
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
this
 kind of healing can be ineffective and even harmful.
Submitted by tarasovnn on

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task achievement
The essay presents an opinion and touches on both sides of the argument, which shows an attempt to provide a complete response. However, the depth of the argument and the elaboration of points is somewhat lacking, which makes the response feel incomplete in parts. It would be beneficial to develop ideas fully, ensuring each is followed by detailed explanation and evidence for a stronger task response.
coherence cohesion
The essay's structure is recognizably appropriate with an introduction and a conclusion; however, the development of ideas needs improvement. There are gaps in the logic and flow between ideas, which hinders coherence. Use linking words and phrases to better connect paragraphs and sentences, and ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by coherent arguments and examples.
coherence cohesion
Some of the main points lack clear support, such as the uncritical use of 'fairy-tails' and unspecific references to 'magic kind of healing.' It is important to provide relevant and specific examples to underpin your arguments; this could include citing studies, statistics, or expert opinions. Unsupported claims weaken the overall cohesion and persuasiveness of the essay.

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