IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

: It is important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #lifestyle #illness #treatment #people
Some
people
 hold the idea that public money should be spent on encouraging a healthy lifestyle to prevent illness rather than regimens of ill individuals. I totally refuse to follow
this
 notion as I believe that both approaches ought to be balanced. On the one hand, promoting a healthy lifestyle has long-term benefits. If
people
 are fully aware of the positive aspects of
this
 lifestyle, they will tend to adopt healthier habits including doing exercise, balanced nutrition, avoiding junk food and excessive alcohol consumption. From that, they can minimise the risk of diabetes, or heart disease or even protect their well-being.
Subsequently
, preventing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
illness from healthy behaviours helps to save money by less spending on health issues and reduces
burden
Add an article
the burden
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 on healthcare systems.
For instance
, the New York Times paper revealed that the portion of
people
 visiting hospitals because of
fat
Correct article usage
the fat
show examples
 rate decreased by 5% compared to
last
 year thanks to an initiative from governments to reduce 2% in taxes for businesses having physical activities every week.
On the other hand
, some diseases and conditions are unpreventable, so
people
 still need medical interventions and therapies.
For example
, color blindness which makes
people
 difficult
in detecting
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to detect
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 colors as normal is an inherited disease passed down from biological parents.
For individuals
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Individuals
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 in
this
 circumstance, they will struggle to perceive
colors
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colours
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 if they are not supported by treatments
such
 as specialized sunglasses or proper medications.
As a result
, it is crucial to invest public money in
medial
Correct your spelling
medical
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 approaches in order to provide appropriate assistance to
people
 who get some special kinds of bad conditions.
Although
 taking
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
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 to promote
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy behaviour has some significant merits, I believe investing in treatments should be considered as important as the former since not all
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
 are preventable.
Submitted by nguyenmysam722001 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay provides a clear and consistent argument throughout the text. The logical structure requires improvement to better guide the reader through the points being made.
coherence cohesion
While you've included an introduction and conclusion, make sure they are fully developed to clearly present your thesis and summarise your argument, respectively.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with stronger, more detailed examples. The examples used are good but need to be further elaborated on for greater impact.
task achievement
You should ensure that you answer all parts of the prompt fully to receive higher marks in Task Achievement. Your response must also directly address the question, showing a clear position throughout the essay.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear but could benefit from more comprehensive development and explanation. Expanding on your ideas can enhance the reader's understanding and engagement with your argument.
task achievement
Use more relevant and specific examples to back up your arguments. These examples should be directly connected to the points you are making and should be used to effectively illustrate your stance on the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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