IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children nowadays have too much freedom. Other believe that children are sometimes protected too much by their parents. Which of these viewpoints do you agree with?

#people #children #freedom #parents #viewpoints
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These days it is believed that some
parents
 have turned to a more lenient way of raising their
children
,
while
 others think that they have become significantly over-protective. I completely agree with the fact that
parents
 have decided to
over shelter
Add a hyphen
over-shelter
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 minors in these times in the light of an increased world insecurity and the spread of technological gadgets that can lead to unwanted contacts. First and foremost, the development of telecommunications has allowed
parents
 to be more conscious of the violence and delinquency
that is
 happening in the present times. With the invention of TV, computers and mobile phones, access to mass information and particularly news has grown greatly. Even though crime still took place before the existence of these gadgets, information was not as reachable as today. There is no doubt that
this
 advent had brought new preoccupations and,
by
Change preposition
as
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consequence
Correct article usage
a consequence
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, new precautions.
Therefore
, influenced by nowadays news, adults in charge of
children
 have become more overprotective and have restricted
minor’s
Fix the agreement mistake
minors’
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 exposure to the
real-endaging
Correct your spelling
real-engaging
 world.
Secondly
, there is no doubt that the facilitation of telecommunications has provided an opportunity for young
children
 and teenagers to talk to strangers that could put them in danger, raising major awareness
on
Change preposition
among
show examples
 guardians. If a minor is talking or contacting someone he or she doesn’t know on the cellphone or laptop, he or she can put himself or herself in danger.
For instance
,
children
 can be catfished by adults
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 would want to meet them in person. Clearly, unless
parents
 act now,
children
 will jeopardize themselves.
As a result
 of the risk
that
Change preposition
of
show examples
 chatting freely on technological apparel,
parents
 and legal guardians have become stricter with the usage of
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
 and computers. In conclusion, the mass consumption of reports involving violence and crime, combined with the hazard of interacting with strangers online
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 transformed the way of bringing up young ones into a more strict style of education.
Submitted by tamaracheroki on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and explores it in depth. Avoid vague statements and ensure logical progression from sentence to sentence.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from a clear thesis statement. Make sure to fully develop each paragraph with specific examples to support your main points. This will improve pertinence and illustrate your arguments more effectively.
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