IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries, teenagers have part-time jobs while they are still at school. What benefits does this bring for the teenager? Are there any drawbacks?

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Although
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 working a few hours a day
while
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 studying has some benefits for the young ones, it can
also
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 cause serious issues.
This
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 essay will demonstrate how
students
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 develop the knowledge and skills required for their future employment but will
also
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 show that
this
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 can lead to
such
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 problems as a lack of focus on studies. Whilst acknowledging that there are positives, the essay will argue that the disadvantages of
such
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 jobs outweigh the advantages. On the one hand, part-time jobs allow
students
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 to develop their cognitive ability
as well as
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 improve their skills in various areas
such
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 as money management, time management, and prioritizing tasks which makes them more self-sufficient and mature.
This
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 is important to cope with the stresses of adult life when they actually get opportunities to perform in a real
work
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 environment.
Moreover
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, they gain immense knowledge from real-life experiences when they meet many people in the workplace and community which helps them to understand the reality of life.
For instance
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, in Western countries,
students
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 are encouraged to
work
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 limited hours a week to get
along with
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 the community to boost their social skills.
On the other hand
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,
such
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 exposure makes
students
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 lose their interest in education.
That is
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 to say that when they are accustomed to
work
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 culture they might have a lower value for studies as money is the ultimate goal for leading a sophisticated life.
Furthermore
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, it might cause disciplinary issues in an educational setting as they might intend to spoil the other kids who are regularly attending schools and motivate them to skip classes to earn more money.
For instance
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, a recent study found that in many developed countries, teenagers are skipping classes in order to
work
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 in reputed franchises.
As a result
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, the dropout percentage has increased significantly which has influenced the government to set minimal age requirements for employment. In conclusion,
although
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 doing part-time jobs
while
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 studying has greater benefits, it is influencing them to lose their focus on school education because of having lower educational values and creating behavioural issues.
Hence
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, the drawbacks of
such
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 practice definitely outweigh the positives.

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay maintains a balanced consideration of both sides of the argument before presenting a clear conclusion. You should elaborate on both benefits and drawbacks to support your view effectively.
task achievement
When discussing the benefits or drawbacks, providing specific examples can enrich your essay and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic. Refer to studies or evidence to substantiate your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a good logical structure, but consider varying your sentence structures and using more complex linking phrases to improve coherence and cohesion. This helps to guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, which is commendable, ensure they are both comprehensive and effectively encapsulate the main points of your essay. Aim for your conclusion to reflect a considered evaluation of the points discussed.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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