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Band 4

Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. Do you agree or disagree?

#television #free-time #people
Nowadays, the influence of Television takes the hobby out of individuals,
as well as
 keeps them away from interaction with others. I fully agree with
this
 statement, and I will explain my reasons in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, the advancement of technology has provided a way of life for people more conveniently and comfortably. A multitude of
TV
 industries has been constantly growing for many years. People spend a huge of
time
 watching and following
TV
 programs.
As a result
, they have lost the opportunity to do some good
activities
 in their lives,
this
 includes some
activities
 that improve themselves to be better.
For example
,
instead
 of spending
time
 after school to do and revise lessons, most students use
this
time
 to watch and follow
TV
 programs.
Secondly
, numerous citizens have dedicated theirs to
TV
 channels. They are familiars with
TV
 screens. They do not have
time
 to build
a good relationships
Correct the article-noun agreement
good relationships
a good relationship
show examples
 with their families, friends, colleagues and so on.
Furthermore
, they are more likely to be a lazy person which makes them procrastinate
another
Replace the adjective
another activity
other activities
show examples
activities
.
For instance
, when children have poor interaction with their family, they tend to waste
time
 doing some
activities
 that
it has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 less benefit,
this
finally
 leads to
loss
Correct article usage
a loss
show examples
 lot of advantages for the family. In conclusion, Television takes take much of
time
 from the way of life of people, which makes them lose more
time
 in order to do good
activities
 and establish
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
great
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 with the members of society.
Submitted by mahawichet on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical flow and clear progression of ideas throughout the essay. Use transitional phrases and topic sentences to improve the connection between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Include both an introduction and conclusion to frame the essay. The introduction should outline the main points to be discussed, while the conclusion should summarise them effectively.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with relevant examples and explanations. Utilise a range of sentence structures to ensure clarity and to keep the reader engaged.
task achievement
Respond fully to the task by addressing both sides of the argument if the question calls for a discussion. Ensure your position is clear throughout the essay and develop your main points thoroughly.
task achievement
Clarify and develop your ideas to ensure they are comprehensive and provide precise examples to support them. Pay attention to the clarity of your arguments to ensure they are easily understood.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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