IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #situation #job #shortage #money #situations
Society speculates that
people
 may be accepting
such
 uncomfortable jobs and less funds as their destiny.
Conversely
, the others ensure it can be an improvement through the situation. I agree that employees nowadays must struggle with several situations to get to a higher place. On the one hand, an unsatisfied environment can impact the mental health of
people
.
For instance
, a person who works overtime usually gets stressed than a person who works at an appropriate time.
Whereas
 those who
work
 overtime often
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
get a higher salary, their mental health will lead to several disorders
such
 as insomnia. In the end, working in an unproductive time will bring some drawbacks.
On the other hand
, society ensures that various things can
we
Correct your spelling
be
show examples
 achieved
while
 working in companies. Others believe that unsatisfied
work
neighborhoods
Change the spelling
neighbourhoods
show examples
 can improve our several skills.
Firstly
, we can improve our time-management skills because of the congested
work
 responsibility. With the many numbers of projects we solved before,
Secondly
, we can learn how to manage the responsibility properly.
Furthermore
,
people
 who
work
 hard may get a higher chance of being promoted to other positions and get a better life. As aforementioned above, In conclusion,
people
 may insist on working overtime to get more salary which leads to some drawbacks.
However
, the
work
 environment can be positive for some
people
 who can manage their time and responsibility properly. In my opinion,
people
 must be trying and struggling
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 what they must improve their individuals. So they can face other problems and solve them by themselves.
Submitted by re.li on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
You need to clearly present your main points with stronger topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument. Your essay lacks clear transitions and discourse markers that help in achieving coherence.
task achievement
While you address the prompt, your response does not fully develop both sides of the argument. You should provide more in-depth analysis and specific examples to back up your points. The conclusion can be enhanced by summarizing the key points before stating your opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • adversity
  • resilience
  • stoicism
  • contentment
  • cope
  • adapt
  • endure
  • persevere
  • settle
  • ambition
  • tenacious
  • determined
  • resourceful
  • optimistic
  • self-improvement
  • proactive
  • initiative
  • transform
  • overcome
  • confront
What to do next:
Look at other essays: