IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

. Government spends a lot of money on education. More money should be spent on free time activities. To what extent do agree or disagree?

#government #money #education #time #activities
It
Correct pronoun usage
Some
show examples
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that the
government
 need to invest money in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
,
whereas
 others believe that more money should be spent on leisure activities. In
this
 essay, I will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
both views and give my opinion. On the one hand, there are two main reasons to explain why
government
 funding is necessary. First of all, it will help children have equal
education
 opportunities, especially
mountainous
Change preposition
in mountainous
show examples
 areas. Many parents do not have enough conditions to pay for
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
fee
Fix the agreement mistake
fees
show examples
 of their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 as a lot of children do not know how to write and read.
Inaddition
Correct your spelling
In addition
, investing
education
Change preposition
in education
show examples
 means investing
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
 because it helps young people have more and more opportunities to improve their knowledge.
On the other hand
, funding leisure activities will help citizens release from overstress or depression. In
morden
Correct your spelling
modern
 society,
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
were
Verb problem
people are
show examples
stress
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
 by many factors
such
 as relationships,
peer
Correct word choice
and peer
show examples
 pressure, especially
struggling
Wrong verb form
when they struggle
show examples
 with many exams and hard
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
. The
government
need
Wrong verb form
needs
show examples
provide
Fix the infinitive
to provide
show examples
 some entertainment
chanel
Correct your spelling
channels
 and
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 facilities. school can build a place
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 has
cafe
Correct article usage
a cafe
show examples
 for students
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
 break time. They can relax and spend time
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their peers
due to
have
Change the verb form
having
show examples
 more energy for study. From that, learning will become easier and more effective. In conclusion, the
government
 should spend money on
education
as well as
 entertainment, both of
them
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will help children develop wisdom and mental health.
Submitted by dieuvipham.hd on

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coherence cohesion
While you introduced both sides of the argument and provided a conclusion, your essay would benefit greatly from clearer organization and transition phrases to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea which is then developed with explanations or examples.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction sets the stage for what is to follow, perhaps by outlining the specific arguments you will discuss. Conclusions should encapsulate your main points succinctly while reflecting back on the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Each body paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that states the main point to be discussed. Support this main point with specific and relevant examples to provide clarity and bolster your argument.
task achievement
The essay touched on both sides of the issue, but the response would be enhanced by a more thorough coverage of the topic and a clearer expression of your personal stance throughout the essay, not just at the conclusion.
task achievement
Make sure that your ideas are not only clear but also comprehensive, covering the full scope of the question. Be explicit in how you address the prompt and its complexities.
task achievement
Include specific, detailed examples to support your opinions - these make your arguments more persuasive and prove that they are not just theoretical viewpoints.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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