IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Government spends a lot of money on education. More money should be spent on free time activities. To what extent do agree or disagree?

#government #money #education #time #activities
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Many people believe that the
government
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 need to invest money in
education
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,
whereas
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 others believe that more money should be spent on leisure activities. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views and give my opinion. On the one hand, there are two main reasons to explain why
government
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 funding is necessary.First of all, it will help
children
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 have equal
education
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 opportunities, especially in mountainous areas. Many parents do not have enough conditions to pay for the school fees of their
children
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 as a lot of
children
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 do not know how to write and read.
In addition
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, investing in
education
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 means investing in the future because it helps young people have more and more opportunities to improve their knowledge.
On the other hand
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, funding leisure activities will help citizens release from overstress or depression. In modern society, young people are stressed by many factors
such
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 as relationships and
peerpressure
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peer pressure
peer-pressure
, especially when they struggle with many exams and hard homework. The
government
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 needs to provide some entertainment channels and other facilities. school can build a place
thathas
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that has
 a cafe for students during break time. They can relax and spend time with their peers
due to
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 having more energy for study. From that, learning will become easier and more effective. In conclusion, the
government
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 should spend money on
education
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as well as
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 entertainment, both of which will help
children
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 develop wisdom and mental health.
Submitted by dieuvipham.hd on

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coherence cohesion
The essay introduces both sides of the argument and attempts to address them with supporting points. However, the supporting points need to be more developed and the connection between them more clearly articulated to enhance understanding.
coherence cohesion
You should ensure that the logical structure flows seamlessly from one point to the next. This can be achieved by linking sentences and paragraphs using a wider range of cohesive devices and appropriate paragraphing.
task achievement
Be more precise in directly answering the essay question consistently throughout the essay for a higher task achievement score. Your opinion should be clearly stated and distinct examples provided to substantiate your arguments.
task achievement
Examples used should be specific and clearly linked to the argument being made to demonstrate the practical implications and effectiveness of the points raised.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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