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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below show the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and in 2008.

The chart below show the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and in 2008.
#show #percentage #adults #activities #country
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The pie diagrams compare information about
people
Use synonyms
 doing
activities
Use synonyms
 between 1958 and 2008. Units are measured in percentage. In general, the most dominating activity is working in the presented years, at the same time
activities
Use synonyms
, namely relaxing at home and travelling to work, illustrate a positive improvement. Meanwhile, going out with either friends or family depicts an extreme decline. As we can see working has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 the chart in 1958
due to
Linking Words
 one-third percent of
people
Use synonyms
 doing
this
Linking Words
 activity,
whereas
Linking Words
 travelling to work merely obtained a tiny percentage. At the same point, sleeping became the second priority of
people
Use synonyms
's
activities
Use synonyms
 because
a
Change preposition
of a
show examples
percentage gap with working.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, for relaxing at home or doing
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as playing sports or another hobby, not more than 10%
individuals
Change preposition
of individuals
show examples
 did it.
Then
Linking Words
, 19% of
people
Use synonyms
 tended to hang out with their friends or family. Five decades later, working and sleeping
remainded
Correct your spelling
remained
reminded
 the favourite
activities
Use synonyms
 because each reached nearly a half
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and a third of inhabitants, respectively.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, the number of
people
Use synonyms
 going out with their family or friends
extremely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
dropped
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 6%.
Then
Linking Words
, relaxing at home and travelling to work
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
experienced almost a 7% growth.
Finally
Linking Words
, 6% of individuals steadily opt for doing others,
for instance
Linking Words
, playing sports or hobbies.
Submitted by 2024successielts on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, activities with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-life balance
  • technological advancements
  • leisure activities
  • household chores
  • gender roles
  • modern lifestyle
  • fast food trends
  • sleep patterns
  • health and well-being
  • societal impact
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