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Band 4

In many workplaces, online communication is now more common than face to face meetings. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#workplaces #communication #face #meetings #trend
In contemporary times, many are of the opinion that meeting someone via the internet has risen in popularity than face to
face
Correct your spelling
face-to-face
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 meetings.
While
 I acknowledge that there are certain benefits to
this
 trend, I am confident that there are
also
 downsides
due to
Change preposition
for
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 several reasons. On the one hand, online communication might help us to save our precious
time
 by taking a rational approach. In
last
Correct article usage
the last
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 two decades, new technologies and modern gadgets or mobile phones have been invented
many
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by many
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 talented scientists and most of them are already part of our lives. These advanced technologies can give us incredible opportunities and endless knowledge of everything we want or need. They may
also
 save
our
Correct pronoun usage
us
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time
 by meeting someone we want easily and without any inconveniences and difficulties.
For example
, if you
had no
Verb problem
did not
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enough
Add a missing verb
have enough
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time
 to meet somebody, you would use one
these
Change preposition
of these
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 technologies,
such
 as Zoom.
This
 platform may help you to communicate online with your friends, relatives or family members whoever he or she is when you are in times of need.
Although
 unconventional at first glance,
however
, I am convinced that
this
 type of communication can be genuinely beneficial and helpful for all of us.
On the other hand
, communicating through the internet can devastating effect on individuals’ well-being, especially their eyes and ability of critical
thinking
Replace the word
think
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. Nowadays, a multitude of citizens think that only by using these kinds of advanced and mobile devices, can they improve their knowledge and skills.
Nevertheless
, never before have they thought about its negative developments,
for
instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 it might
shrinks
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shrink
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 the rate of eyesight. If you spend
your
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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most of
the
Change the word
your
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time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
front of your computer or mobile device, it will negative impact on your eyes and you even might be blind.
In addition
, it has
also
 a negative effect on your thinking skills by overusing your own mobile technology and
as a result
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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this
, you might no longer think more logically and wisely.
Therefore
, I firmly believe that we should manage
our
Change the word
the
show examples
time
 that spend on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile devices properly
otherwise
, we will have to face severe consequences. In conclusion,
whereas
 it is undeniable that online communication can
he
Correct your spelling
be
show examples
 negative effects, I maintain that the advantages seem promising to be beneficial.
Submitted by yoqubjonovjamshidbek23 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay needs a clearer and more distinct introduction and conclusion. The introduction should explicitly state whether the advantages or disadvantages are going to be considered as outweighing the other, and the conclusion should succinctly summarise the argument presented.
coherence cohesion
There is a need for better organization of ideas and paragraphs, as well as the use of cohesive devices to link ideas within and across paragraphs. This will aid reader understanding and text flow.
task achievement
The essay response is somewhat repetitive and lacks clear, comprehensive ideas. Instead of repeating the same point, develop each idea fully with explanations and relevant examples.
task achievement
Specific examples to support points are lacking or not fully relevant to the topic. Including real-world examples or hypothetical situations can make arguments more convincing.
task achievement
Consider revising the essay for grammar and vocabulary errors, as well as ensuring that the argument is logical and well-supported throughout.
task achievement
Note that the essay should remain objective and consider both sides of the argument before reaching a conclusion. Avoid making definitive statements without thorough analysis and support.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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