IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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In
this
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 technology-driven era,
children
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 tend to
use
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 smartphones for long hours during the week.
this
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 issue is unavoidable because all individuals
use
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 electronic devices to do many things,
however
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,utilising them for a long time can cause severe effects in life .I believe the drawbacks for
children
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 with gadgets outweigh the advantages.In
this
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 essay,I will elaborate on
this
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 completely in the following paragraphs . First and foremost,
this
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 phenomenon happens because there has been a huge shift in the lifestyle , technological achievements and social culture of humans in the past few years.individuals now get familiar with other people on social online platforms
such
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 as Instagram, WhatsApp,and Telegram.
Besides
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,
children
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 have to
use
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 smart devices to study and learn books from school platforms.
For instance
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 :during the COVID-19 pandemic which spread all over the world, the education system created a law that obliged students to study at home.
Additionally
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,they were asked to download apps to learn more textbooks.
Moreover
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,another crucial factor is the disorder of sleep patterns,many
children
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use
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 smartphones late at night and before bed which leads to reduced melatonin hormones,
consequently
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,they find it difficult to concentrate at school, feel fatigued during the day and usually struggle with other students and parents.
Also
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, excessive screen time is connected with shorter attention spans making it harder and difficult for
children
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 to focus on a task and have understanding and meaningful conversations with else. In conclusion:cutting-edge smartphone technology has led to the massive and huge operation of smartphones and
children
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 shifted to social media and playing games with mobile devices ,
whereas
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,parents educators and teachers should establish screen time limits and encourage outdoor activities to promote a balanced lifestyle.

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coherence and cohesion
Work on creating clearer topic sentences for paragraphs as this will help guide the reader through your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or personal insights to support your main points, which would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You have a clear understanding of the topic and effectively communicate your views.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is structured logically with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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