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Band 4

Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks.

#media #age #groups #information #websites #risks
Nowadays , technologies are developing so
al
Correct your spelling
a
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 lot of
websites
  are created by website founders ,  especially social
medias
Fix the agreement mistake
media
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 are most popular among the various age groups .
However
, posting personal
informations
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information
pieces of information
show examples
by
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apply
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may be a risk for individuals . I think more disadvantages than advantages , because they are
safety
 and creating
comfortable
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a comfortable
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 zone , I will
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discuss
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discus
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discuss
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 both options    There
two
Add a missing verb
are two
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 main advantages
for
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of
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 sharing personal
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 on social networks does
have
Verb problem
are
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 risks , creating and running various accounts   on behalf of another person and voting different
adds
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ads
show examples
.
Firstly
 , nowadays , in social media , hackers are increasing especially
Change preposition
on facebook
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facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
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, there are many fake accounts
different
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and different
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 well-known persons . Some people do not know to subscribe
this
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to this
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 type of
profiles
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profile
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,
this
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and this
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 is the reason
,
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for, increasing
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increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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lot
fake
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of fake
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 information
in
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on
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 social
websites
.
Secondly
 , hackers do different types of hacks
for changing
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to change
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person’s
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people’s
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 sentences and actions , and they post different
adds
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ads
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 ( tablets ,
websites
 and games )      
On the other hand
 , there
obvious
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are obvious
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 disadvantages to sharing personal details . Social networks are
more
Correct word choice
safer
show examples
safety
 and more comfortable for
using
Replace the word
use
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 especially chatting with others ,
get
Wrong verb form
getting
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 news and
enjoy to
Wrong verb form
enjoying
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 watching
medias
Fix the agreement mistake
media
show examples
. Nowadays , Instagram ,
facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
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 , X , and Telegram are more famous in the world , majority of people use Instagram for sharing activities and chatting with close friends , because it is very
safety
Replace the word
safe
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 (there are a lot
algorithms
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of algorithms
show examples
 )      In conclusion ,
Although
  some problems in sharing personal data
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
websites
,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of networks are
more
Correct word choice
safe
show examples
safety
 for individuals
Submitted by yoqubjonovjamshidbek23 on

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coherence cohesion
Regarding coherence and cohesion, it is critical to ensure that the essay has a clear and logical structure, with a coherent flow from one idea to the next. Paragraphs should be well-organized with clear topic sentences, and there should be effective use of linking words to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Providing examples to support main points strengthens the essay. Your essay lacked clear organization and the specific examples were not sufficiently developed. Work on creating clear and distinct paragraphs with focused topic sentences and connect your ideas using appropriate linking words like 'furthermore', 'for instance', or 'however'.
task achievement
In terms of task achievement, your essay needs to fully address all parts of the prompt effectively. It should present, extend, and support main ideas, but this was not accomplished. The prompt requires a discussion of the risks involved in sharing personal information on social media, and your essay only partially covers this topic. The examples used need to be more relevant and detailed to support the arguments being made. Also, both sides of the argument (advantages and disadvantages) should be discussed with clarity and supported with specific examples. For improvement, focus on understanding the prompt thoroughly and providing a balanced discussion with clear, supported points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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