IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Researching and treating diseases is too costly so it would be better to invest in preventative measures. To what extent do you agree?

#diseases #measures
The main tremendous expense from most of the countries is in the health sector.
For instance
, doing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research or treatment for people who
suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
 from their illness could burn the
goverment's
Correct your spelling
government's
 money.
In addition
, a project related to curing and seeking
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other alternatives
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
 a lot of time
though
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. I mainly believe
if
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 people could change their
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 at first as a shape
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
prevention
Replace the word
prevent
show examples
 getting infected. If people tried to at least
starting
Change the verb
start
show examples
 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise, eat
a healthy food
Remove the article
healthy food
a portion of healthy food
show examples
,
avoid
Correct word choice
and avoid
show examples
put
Wrong verb form
putting
show examples
 too much sugar or everything too much, it
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 be more
advantage
Replace the word
advantageous
show examples
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Task Achievement
In terms of Task Achievement, you must ensure that your response fully answers the question, explores the topic appropriately, and presents a clear position throughout the response. The answer provided is very brief and does not address the arguments for preventative measures or comparing them to the costs and benefits of research into diseases. Develop your points further, provide explicit arguments and examples, and structure your essay in such a way that it offers a detailed and comprehensive discussion on the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your coherence and cohesion need significant improvement. An essay of this type should have a clear introductory paragraph, at least two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, each serving a distinct purpose. Logical connectors and cohesive devices should be used to appropriately structure the essay and help it flow. Aim to present your ideas in an organized manner with clear relationships between your sentences and paragraphs. Use a variety of cohesive devices and transition words to link ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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