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Band 6

Some people think that public health is the responsibility of the government while others think that people should be responsible for their own health. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #health #responsibility #government
There has been ongoing debate regarding public
health
. Some consider
this
 as the duty of the authorities,
while
 others think
people
 should undertake the
health
 issue on their own.
This
 essay will explore both sides before arriving at a conclusion. In
this
 neoliberal world,
people
 are allowed to achieve everything in
this
 society.
However
, it is still essential for the populace to obtain assistance from the
government
. What is obvious is that medical welfare is the most common part supported by the
government
. One advantage of the
government
 holding the responsibility for public
health
 is that the directed order can be more efficient. Once a satisfactory
health
 policy is published by the ruler, it can greatly benefit the population of a country.
On the other hand
, the decision solely made by the authorities may be not able to cover all the details of the
people
 living in the country. It is widely agreed that individuals should take responsibility for
health
 issues by themselves because the policy made by the
government
 cannot be comprehensive sometimes. In some countries in Asia, there are plenty of
people
 who believe in various religions.
Although
 the
government
 proposes some manners to avoid illness, it is still effortless to help the
people
 without complete consideration.
On the contrary
, if
people
 could develop suitable methods for their culture, it could address public
health
 problems notably. In conclusion, it is evident that it is not enough for the
government
 to deal with
health
 issues alone. I believe that every individual should be responsible for public
health
.
Submitted by seanlin12345 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a rudimentary logical structure; however, transitions between ideas could be smoother, and linking phrases could be used more effectively to guide the reader through the points being made. To improve, consider carefully planning the progression of ideas, using a variety of cohesive devices to better connect sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Regarding task achievement, while you do address the prompt, the ideas presented require further development and elaboration to fully satisfy the task. Concrete examples to support your claims are scarce, which hinders the essay's persuasiveness. Strive for more detailed explanations and the inclusion of specific, relevant examples to enhance your argument and effectively fulfill the task requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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