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Band 3.5

Some people believe that to give opportunuties to the new generation, companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #opportunuties #generation #companies #level #employees
In
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
 era, everyone is busy
for
Change preposition
apply
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making their life easier, it includes all age groups. Mostly senior citizens and youngsters both are working in various companies so I feel that those employees
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
retirement
 now who are older enough to enjoy their life without any worries. I am going to explain my views in the following paragraphs.
To begin
 with,
people
 who are older
then
Correct your spelling
than
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 55 or 60 years
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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need to get
retiement
Correct your spelling
retirement
 because it can open up
then
 new opportunities for youngsters they can work on their positions
as well as
 it is
also
 going to
beneficial
Add a missing verb
be beneficial
show examples
 for companies because there are
chances
 that they can get more profit. Every generation is more intelligent as compared to
their
Change the word
the
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last
 one, so
their
Replace the word
there
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 are
chances
 that they can use their new ideas in that company.
Moreover
, older
people
 can
also
 get some rest and after
retirement
Add a comma
retirement,
show examples
 they can go somewhere to enjoy
their
Change the word
the
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 rest of
life's
Change the noun form
lives
life
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. There are
chances
 that they can get mental and physical rest through their vacations.
For example
,
according to
Ajit
Correct article usage
an Ajit
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 newspaper report in 2005
that
Correct word choice
apply
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mostly
Correct your spelling
most
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 working
people
 are not spending enough time with their families so after
retirement
Add a comma
retirement,
show examples
 they have
chances
 to
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 time with families or they can
also
 learn their favourite skills.
To conclude
,
people
 need
retirement
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
specific
Correct article usage
a specific
show examples
 age because it can give opportunities to other
people
as well as
 it is
also
 good for their well-being.
Submitted by rajdeepsidhuk23 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout the response. To enhance your task achievement score, ensure that you fully develop your ideas by expanding on your arguments and providing more detailed explanations. This will demonstrate a broader range and depth of language.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical progression in your essay, but the transitions between ideas can sometimes seem abrupt. To improve your coherence and cohesion score, work on using a wider range of cohesive devices and topic sentences to signal the start of paragraphs, and ensure clear connections between ideas for a smoother flow of information.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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