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Band 5

Throughout history, people dream to live in a perfect society while they haven’t agreed what the ideal society would be like. What is the most important element you think makes a perfect society? What people do to achieve an ideal society?

#history #people #dream #society #haven’t #element
When I think of the perfect
society
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think of
justice
 and
equality
. There has been so much injustice and inequality all over the world.
There’s
Change the verb form
There are
show examples
 different types, gender inequality,
race
Correct word choice
and race
show examples
. If we had
justice
 and
equality
 we would live more in a utopian
society
 than a dystopian one. There are many good
things
 that would come out of having
justice
 and
equality
.
For example
, regarding gender
equality
, there would be equal pay and everyone
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 the
women
 in the workforce,
corporate
Correct word choice
and corporate
show examples
 Jobs would be happier as they would not have to compete and lose knowing that they weren’t chosen because they’re
women
 and essentially known as week. Gender
equality
 would come in handy when it comes to the sports world because
then
 when it comes to sponsorships and salaries, the
women
 would not have to worry about getting paid a significantly less amount compared to men. When I think of
justice
, I think of all the bad
people
 out there who have done horrible
things
 to
women
 and even men to get the punishment they deserve. All the
people
 who have been wrongfully accused of anything should get the
justice
 they deserve.
People
 like Uyinene and George Floyd get their
justice
. Corruption would be gone. We would
then
 have a utopian
society
 in my eyes. In conclusion, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a lot of
things
 that would give us the perfect
society
. But the two that stick out to me, would be
justice
 and
equality
.
People
 would have to work hard in order for these
things
 to actually happen. If they really
would want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
 it
then
 we would be living in that beautiful perfect
society
.
Submitted by tshenkengm on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure with distinguishable paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. Focus on establishing a clearer paragraph structure.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and transitional phrases to link ideas more effectively.
task achievement
The introduction should provide a clearer overview of the essay's direction.
task achievement
Fully develop your main points with more detailed examples and explanations.
task achievement
Address the second part of the prompt more thoroughly - 'What can people do to achieve an ideal society?' - as it's only briefly mentioned in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Check for grammatical errors and ensure proper sentence structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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