IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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To address to issue of sugary
products
 in
food
 and
drink
 , they should be more costly to incentivise individuals to consume less
sugar
. I firmly disagree with
this
 statement that making sugary
products
 more expensive could encourage people to consume less
sugar
.
Firstly
,
food
 and
drink
products
 that have high levels of
sugar
 are crucial for society's
overall
 health and to deal with
this
 problem it is essential to educate properly public. If consumers become more aware of their diets and health , it will be easier to mitigate the consumption of sugary
products
. To achieve
this
 aim, the government's initiatives play a vital role .
For instance
, the Construction of an institute that educates the public about the ingredients of
products
 should be taken into account meticulously by the government.
Therefore
, educating is a more convenient approach to decreasing the consumption of sugary manufactured
food
 and
drink
products
.
Besides
 that ,
instead
 of making
products
 more expensive, authorities should put into debate
this
 issue and make an agreement to demolish sugary
products
 that are unhealthy for people.
This
 is because if a person is addicted to sugary
food
 he or she will going to consume whatever it costs. So, I would recommend decreasing the
overall
sugar
 level in
products
 through consensus with
food
 and
drink
 manufacturers.
Thus
, by declining of the level sugary foods and drinks, it will contribute to the betterment of society's health. In conclusion, I believe that other ways to stimulate people to consume less
sugar
 are better than making
products
 costly. Educating the masses about foods and drinks and constructing model institutes for supporting
this
 is genuinely helpful to overcome
this
 issue.
Also
, reducing the level of
sugar
 in
products
 is a proper way.
Submitted by Yasar Khan on

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task response
To improve task response, make sure the points you present directly address the essay prompt. It's important to clearly show how each argument supports your overall stance.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Linking words and phrases can help achieve this. Also, consider structuring your essay in a way where each paragraph expands on a single main idea.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the response well.
task response
You presented more than one argument to support your stance, helping to show a comprehensive view on the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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