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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The pie charts compare water usage in San Diego, California and the rest of the world.

The pie charts compare water usage in San Diego, California and the rest of the world.
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The pie charts compare how
water
Use synonyms
 is used in
San
Use synonyms
Diego
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 County,
California
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 and worldwide.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
San
Use synonyms
Diego
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 County and
California
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use
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water
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 mostly for residential purposes and least for agriculture, the reverse can be said of the worldwide usage of
water
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. In detail, residential
water
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use
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 makes up three-fifths
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
San
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Diego
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;
however
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 figure is significantly smaller for
California
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, at 39%. The amount of
water
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 used in the industrial sector in both areas ranks second with about a quarter and a third respectively. Interestingly, both
San
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Diego
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 and
California
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 are shown to
use
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 the least amount of
water
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 for agricultural purposes, with corresponding figures of 17% and 28%. Worldwide
water
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 allocation,
however
Linking Words
, is remarkably different than that of
San
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Diego
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 County and
California
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. Agricultural
use
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 of
water
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 around the globe accounts for by far the highest figure, with well over two-thirds.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the figures for industrial and domestic
water
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use
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 are substantially smaller. The former constitutes 23%, which is nearly three times as much as that of the latter.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, san, diego, california, use with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compare" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • households
  • significant
  • industrial use
  • implications
  • agriculture
  • geographical
  • climatic
  • economic factors
  • patterns
  • sustainability
  • practices
  • surprising
  • exceptionally
  • improvements
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