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Band 3

People nowadays sleep less than they used to in the past. What do you think is the reason behind this? What are the effects on individuals and people around them?

#people #reason #effects #individuals
Nowadays
individuals
Change noun form
individuals'
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 sleeping
time
 dramatically
decreasing
Wrong verb form
decreases
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comporison
Correct your spelling
compared
 to the past. In modern
life
Add a comma
life,
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 lack of sleep is
common
Add an article
a common
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 and widespread issue
due to
 two major causes.
First
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The first
show examples
 problem
related
Add a missing verb
is related
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 to irreversible changes
of
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in
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world
Add an article
the world
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 in side of
complexibility
Correct your spelling
complexity
 which
lead
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leads
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 to
high
Add an article
a high
the high
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 level of comprehensive information people must know. The second cause
directly
Add a missing verb
is directly
show examples
 related to
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 and
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
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. Albeit employed work
time
 annually decrease it doesn't mean that coworkers can rest more
time
on the contrary
due to
 work competition and new knowledge expansion thay must considerably spend thay free on studying and
also
 competition range is increasing which lead to anxiety invoke stress and reduce sleep
time
 . In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
this
 negative trend will only accumulate charge and become more and more powerful. It is apparent that individual and
society
Replace the word
societal
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 effect is very
infirtinate
Correct your spelling
unfortunate
.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
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 lack of sleep could
arise
Verb problem
cause
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 some
desuase
Correct your spelling
disease
 or if you already have ilk your condition may worsen. Another problem related to doctors who perform
a
Correct article usage
apply
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surgery during which
they
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their
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phisik
Correct your spelling
physical
 and mental conditions could
deteriorates
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deteriorate
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 and lead to disaster for patients and
hospital
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the hospital
show examples
 . Another cause related to nuclear
ingeners
Correct your spelling
engineers
ingenious
who in
link
Add an article
the link
a link
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
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 bad rest and high pressure could make
vital
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a vital
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mistake
Fix the agreement mistake
mistakes
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.
Summarize
Fix the infinitive
To summarize
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overall
Correct article usage
the overall
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 picture it is noticeable that lack of sleep is
major
Add an article
a major
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 issue in
contemporary
Add an article
the contemporary
show examples
 world which
pass
Wrong verb form
has passed
show examples
 away many lives around the world. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 any measures do not exist and in
near
Correct article usage
the near
show examples
future
Add a comma
future,
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this
tebdention
Correct your spelling
tendentious
 will only rise up
Submitted by dnm.best on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure which makes the progression of ideas difficult to follow. There is no clear introduction or conclusion, which are essential components of a well-structured essay.
coherence cohesion
Main points are not effectively supported with specific, developed explanations or examples. Instead, they are stated with limited elaboration, reducing the impact of the arguments made.
task achievement
The response does not adequately cover all parts of the task. It does not clearly explain the reasons behind reduced sleeping time or its effects on individuals and people around them. Furthermore, the essay fails to use relevant examples to illustrate the points made effectively.
task achievement
The ideas presented are not clear or comprehensive. This is due to the limited explanation and expansion on reasons and effects, as well as a lack of specific and illustrative examples.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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