IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Sending people to prison is not effective, and other methods, such as community work, should be supported instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#people #prison #methods #community #work
People's opinions varied regarding the effectiveness of
prison
. There is the view that sending people
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
prison
 seems less effective;
instead
, efforts like
community
service
 should be prioritized. I partly disagree with the given stance because
punishment's
Correct article usage
the punishment's
show examples
 level should be based on the type of crime.  
According to
 the common view,
community
service
 can be better than a
prison
 sentence. In fact,all crime cases always involve people who need more engagement and social assistance.
Thus
, volunteer work for society is a good way to engage them in public,and it can give them a sense of
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 and satisfaction as an essential part of society.
Community
 work would
also
 be considered a mild punishment for offenders who committed minor crimes and
equals
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to give them a "second chance" to create a new page in their lives.
This
 is particularly reasonable to use when dealing with young lawbreakers who come from marginalized communities.
In other words
, thanks to alternatives like
community
service
 authorities can avoid disproportionate sentencing and a zero-tolerance policy.  
But
Correct word choice
However
show examples
 the rationale for prisons existing is to maintain public order. Public order is
fundamental
Add an article
a fundamental
the fundamental
show examples
 sense, and there are types of felons that pose constant threats to others' lives and countries' sovereignty. These individuals are usually serial killers, addicts, and terrorists, to name a few.
Such
 criminals make it difficult for responsible organizations to stabilize and maintain a safe society, and
that is
 why I support
this
 view
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because if any state wants stability, they have to keep all offenders in
prison
.   In light of the above,
although
community
service
 can offer certain benefits, I think the usage  of prisons as correctional
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
is an effective way to sustain justice and order.
Submitted by yoqubjonovjamshidbek23 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulates your main viewpoints and sums up the essay effectively to improve reader clarity.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking phrases and cohesive devices to improve the flow of the essay. Transition between paragraphs can be made smoother.
task achievement
Support your main points with more varied and detailed examples to better illustrate your arguments and make them more convincing.
task achievement
Develop a more nuanced response by exploring the complexities of the topic rather than a one-sided approach. Acknowledge counterarguments to strengthen your position.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: