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Writing Samples /
Band 1

Some people think that the young people should be free to choose their job, but other people think that they should be realist and think more about their future.Discuss the both views and give your opinion.

#people #job #realist #future
All over the
world
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world,
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 many people think they should be free to select their occupation. Some of the other people think they should
be accept
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accept
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 the situation more about their outlook. I totally agree with
this
. In
this
essay
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essay,
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 I will discuss both views and I give in my opinion.
Firstly
, People can choose their job because they own knowledge. they have free choice in their occupation.
for instance
, who going to education only adwancelwal .who can choose
Add an article
a job
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job
Change the noun form
jobs
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 like a
casiyar
Correct your spelling
casita
, teachers ,
carpantac
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carpenter
carpentry
 and water.
On the other hand
, if
some one
Correct your spelling
someone
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do
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does
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hight
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high
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 education
the
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they
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 can choose a doctor,
lawyer
Correct word choice
or lawyer
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injenear
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inner
. whatever
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someone
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some one
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someone
show examples
 did
an
Change preposition
in an
show examples
 occupation they can keep their
Correct your spelling
personality
persanallaty
Correct your spelling
personal
Submitted by manushamanu1024 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear logical structure, making it difficult to follow your argument. It is crucial to have a well-organized essay with a clear introduction that outlines the points you will discuss, body paragraphs that each focus on one main idea with supporting arguments or examples, and a conclusion that summarizes your views and restates the thesis. Aim for a more defined structure in your future essays.
coherence cohesion
There is no clear thesis statement or conclusion in your essay. Always include an introduction that states the purpose of the essay and guides the reader on the discussion ahead. Similarly, a conclusion is crucial as it gives a concise summary of the discussed points and reinforces your stance on the topic. Make sure to incorporate these key elements in your writing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay fails to develop supported main points. To score higher, you need to clearly explain your points with well-elaborated arguments and relevant examples. Ensure each paragraph centers on a single idea and contains evidence or examples that substantiate that idea. This will add depth and clarity to your essay.
task achievement
The response is incomplete as it fails to adequately respond to the prompt. For a higher band score, you must develop your ideas fully, provide a clear opinion, and discuss both views of the argument comprehensively. Work on expanding your ideas and presenting a balanced discussion followed by a clear opinion.
task achievement
Your ideas are not developed comprehensively. A higher score requires clear and well-developed ideas, with perspective and depth. Avoid superficial or incomplete explanations and strive to fully unravel each point you make with clear reasoning and examples.
task achievement
Your use of examples is insufficient and not entirely relevant to the topic. To improve, include focused examples that directly support your argument. The examples should be specific and relevant to demonstrate a clear connection to the points being made.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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