IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Shopping is the favourite pastime of most of the young people. Why is this the case? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities in their free time?

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There is a well-known phenomenon that the most preferred pastime activity is shopping among young
people
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. I firmly opine that
people
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 tend to be slaves to consumerism and they should be encouraged to do other beneficial activities in their spare
time
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. After the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, the rate of consumerism speeded up, and
this
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 increased the number of
people
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 who were avarice of shopping.
While
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 taking shopping as an alluring activity and their advertisements into account, it is undeniable that we are surrounded by adverts which have a pivotal role in creating artificial wants. These gimmicks might open a door to increasing the sales of products in any country. To cite an example, more than 60 per cent of sales are from social media platforms whose users are, generally, adolescents and they have advertisement publishing functionality. Regarding whether shopping is beneficial or not, I strongly believe that young
people
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 have much more feasible choices to spend their spare
time
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 as compared to shopping. Excessive buying of clothes and other products is a waste of
time
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, and in my opinion,
this
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 can be balanced with going shopping once a month.
Moreover
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, governments should encourage
people
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 to do other worthy recreations
such
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 as book camps, learning new skills, etc.
For instance
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, Korea decided to put some medium-sized rooms in libraries and other public areas to urge
people
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 to read books and spend their
time
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 efficiently.
To conclude
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, despite the belief that shopping is a normal activity, we need to understand the gravity of
time
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 and spend our
time
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 effectively.
Likewise
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, governments should encourage us
while
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 undertaking some responsibilities which are explained above.

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task achievement
Task response could be improved by ensuring a complete understanding of all parts of the task prompt. The essay should address the reasons why shopping is popular among youth and consider if they should be encouraged to engage in other activities. Providing a balanced view or addressing both components of the prompt fully is important.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion can be enhanced by improving transitions and connections between sentences and paragraphs. While the logical structure exists, there are places where ideas could be more smoothly connected to enhance readability. Use a wider range of cohesive devices.
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