IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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There are different views about whether ageing
people
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 may cause some problems for authorities or if they are practical for society. I admit that the retired may have more benefits,
such
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 as transferring information to young
people
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 and family gatherings, than their drawbacks, like pensions and community
care
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.
To begin
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 with, increasing pension costs might be the most important problem for governments.
While
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 the laws have to allocate a budget for the retired
people
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.
This
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 money might be used for infrastructures
such
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 as building modern schools or green spaces to improve the quality of education and air quality.
Also
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, they will require more attention from family and the government. When they become older, they are less likely to be able to take
care
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 of themselves in many ways.
For example
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, When the number of elderly individuals increases, the government must construct new facilities to
care
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 for them, even though some continue to reside with their families. Despite some drawbacks, retired
people
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 play a significant role in improving communities in different ways.
Firstly
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, they can help students who graduated recently to find appropriate jobs that fit their desires.
For instance
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, ageing
people
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 with valuable information might be invited by authorities to several seminars to persuade young
people
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 to gain experience and knowledge to learn how to work more efficiently.
Moreover
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, ageing
people
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 can make a strong bond with family, because of giving good advice and helping parents to bring up better children.
In particular
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, elderly individuals may spend more time with their grandchildren, providing
care
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 and sharing stories that can positively impact their outlook on various aspects of life. In conclusion, governments might struggle with some aspects of having a lot of ageing
people
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 in society;
however
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, they should have more benefits not only for governments but
also
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 for families.

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coherence cohesion
The essay provides a logical structure, introducing the topic and presenting both sides of the argument. The conclusion summarizes the main points, although it could be more comprehensive in restating the thesis statement and providing a definitive stance.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to smoothly transition between ideas and paragraphs. Some paragraphs lack clear linking words which are necessary to guide the reader through the argument. Developing cohesive devices such as 'furthermore,' 'consequently,' and 'as a result' would enhance cohesion.
task achievement
The response touches on both the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population, but it does not fully develop a balanced argument that extensively explores both sides. To improve, provide a deeper evaluation of each point made and use a range of relevant examples to support assertions.
task achievement
The ideas presented are understandable but lack depth and comprehensive analysis. Try to elaborate more on each point with clear explanations and detailed information. This approach will make the essay more persuasive and coherent, demonstrating a higher proficiency in presenting ideas.
task achievement
Provide specific and relevant examples to strengthen your argument. The essay currently includes some general examples but lacks the specificity that IELTS examiners look for. Use real-world scenarios, statistics, studies, or hypothetical situations to support each advantage and disadvantage discussed.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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