IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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The trend of longer life expectancy, mainly thanks to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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advanced knowledge and medical technology, has become an essential point to consider in various countries. Some people claim that an ageing society causes
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
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 aftermath,
while
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 others argue that it can be somehow beneficial. From my perspective, the disadvantages of having an elderly population overwhelmingly outweigh the advantages. First and foremost, ageing populations can contribute to a business opportunity for,
for instance
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, healthcare and other related industries.
For instance
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, the trend of relying on nursing homes has significantly expanded these days as many children who are in full-time jobs do not have sufficient time to take care of their parents.
Therefore
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, they entrust their parents to the professional nurse
instead
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.
Nevertheless
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, the challenges caused by the elderly community are far more serious. The strain on social welfare and pension costs can be considered as examples since the government has to allocate a partial budget, which can be used to revolutionise other aspects of the country
such
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 as education, infrastructure, or environmental issues, to support elderly citizens
instead
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.
Secondly
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, if the nation faces an ageing society, it
also
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 means
decreased
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a decreased
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 workforce which is a crucial factor
of
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in
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 economic growth.
Hence
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, many people may be reluctant to distribute some money to them as it is true that the majority of them are unable to be employed anymore.
To conclude
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, despite the benefit of old citizens in terms of business opportunities in several fields, several negative aftermaths are more concerning.
Therefore
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, in my opinion, an ageing society can clearly be seen as a detrimental trend.

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task achievement
Your essay lacks a clear conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your position. Remember to conclude with a definitive statement that reflects the extent of your argument.
task achievement
Your main ideas could benefit from clearer development and explanation. Try to elaborate more on each point with specific details and examples that support your argument.
task achievement
The essay does not fully address the prompt as it leans heavily towards the disadvantages and gives little attention to the advantages. This imbalance prevents the essay from being a complete response.
coherence and cohesion
Transition between paragraphs and sentences could be improved for better coherence. Using a wider range of linking words and phrases can help to establish clearer relationships between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay could be structured more effectively. Each paragraph should contain a clear main idea and subsequent sentences that expand on that idea coherently.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that an introduction and conclusion are present, but also ensure they effectively establish and summarize the topic, respectively. The conclusion should reinforce your thesis and give a final thought on the issue.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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