IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In some countries today, children are taught from a young age that competition is important and that winning is everything. Is this a positive or a negative development?

#countries #children #age #competition #development
These days, not only older individuals are learning
a certain subjects
Correct the article-noun agreement
certain subjects
a certain subject
show examples
, but
also
 youngsters ascertain their favourite subjects. It is considered by some that winning the competition, which
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 organised to measure
children
's knowledge, is of paramount importance. I think that young
children
 should not partake in a competition in order to secure the highest level, which does not mean
this
 circumstance is a negative advancement. There are both advantages and disadvantages of
this
 soaring trend.
On
Correct your spelling
One
show examples
 of the main drawbacks associated with
this
 circumstance is to forgetting
team work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
 and collaboration.
In other words
, as long as younger
children
 win in a competition without the assistance of their partners, they will have
greater
Correct article usage
a greater
show examples
tendence
Correct your spelling
tendency
 to fail. To illustrate, in some countries, there are prestigious companies being held by the majority of celebrities. So that their firms gain much more popularity.
As a result
 of participating in a particular
competitions
Correct the article-noun agreement
competition
show examples
, some youngsters feel anxious and isolated.
Therefore
, I believe that more and more
oppostions
Correct your spelling
oppositions
 should be converted into co-operative ones. Even though there are a number of negatives
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
invloved
Correct your spelling
involved
 in
this
 occasion, there are some benefits as well.
On
Correct your spelling
One
show examples
 of the key
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 inherent in
this
 situation is that younger
aged
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
individuals, who become well-known in these
rivalry
Replace the word
rival
show examples
 activities devoid of any team's help, can become
celebrity
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrities
show examples
 even if they do not attend them
ant
Correct your spelling
any
show examples
 more. To illustrate, Mike Tyson, who was famous in
boks
Correct your spelling
books
,
while
 he is now in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
retirement.
Nevertheless
, in his blooming time, he was
undefeatable
Add an article
an undefeatable
show examples
 boxer. Albeit his retirement,
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 still look up to him. Admittedly, there are
also
 involved benefits
such
 as generating
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
 money and becoming
wealthy
Add an article
a wealthy
show examples
 person.
That is
 to say, there are a plethora of activities, which offer
substantial
Add an article
a substantial
show examples
 amount of money. By winning
such
quantity
Correct article usage
a quantity
show examples
 of funding,
children
 become
celebrity
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrities
show examples
 and rich, in spite of their age.
To sum up
, there are both advantages and disadvantages of
this
 plummeting trend, including
to become
Change the verb form
becoming
show examples
 wealthy and
celebrity
Correct article usage
a celebrity
show examples
 and forgetting
team work
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
, respectively.
Submitted by yoqubjonovjamshidbek23 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Focus on creating a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines your main arguments. This will provide a roadmap for the reader and clarify your position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas more logically, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is developed and expanded upon with relevant examples and explanations. Additionally, transitions between paragraphs should be smoother and more coherent.
task achievement
Improve on task achievement by ensuring that the essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt with well-developed arguments and pertinent examples. Aim for a balanced discussion that covers both positive and negative aspects before reaching a cohesive conclusion.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: