IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Films and computer games which contain violence are very popular. Some people believe that they have a negative effect on society and so should be banned. Other people, however, say that they are just harmless and help people to relax. Discuss both points of view and five your own opinion.

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Nowadays, the consequences of
computer
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games
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 have been a major topic of debate.
While
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 some people believe that the effectiveness of violence related to these
games
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 is totally harmful, others would argue that it can completely contribute to a sense of relaxation. Both sides of the argument highlight valuable points, which will be discussed, followed by my opinion. First of all, playing
computer
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games
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such
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 as online
games
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 containing violence, can result in harmful consequences.
In other words
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,
individuals
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 particularly teenagers, who are so interested in playing these
games
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, may significantly lead to a sense of profound desire to experience
this
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 violence in the real world. So, it can yield negative effects on the real world. A prime illustration is the increase in teenage crimes, especially those who spend excessive time on online
games
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.
As a result
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, implementing laws in order to decrease the effectiveness of these types of
games
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 is so crucial.
Additionally
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, the popularity of online
games
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, particularly among students can gradually lead to hindering their educational success.
On the other hand
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, some
individuals
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 argue that playing these
games
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 can offer various benefits, leading to a sense of relaxation.
Thus
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, they believe that these experiences are essential for people, especially the younger generation.
For instance
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, a young boy who spends a balanced time
through
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apply
show examples
playing online
games
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 can gradually develop his problem-solving skills, which is essential to becoming successful in his future life challenges.
Moreover
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, technological progress in the current era has brought countless stress for both
individuals
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 and societies as a whole.
Therefore
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, if playing
computer
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games
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 can lead to mitigating these types of stress, why are people not eager to play them? In conclusion,
although
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 some
individuals
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 believe that there are various positive effects in terms of playing
computer
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games
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 including the development of problem-solving skills, the harmful effects
such
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 as increasing violent crimes among teenagers should not be ignored. I advocate for the second view that playing
computer
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games
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 should be banned.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses clearly on one main idea and that all sentences within each paragraph support and develop that single idea. This will enhance the clarity and logical development of arguments.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or evidence to substantiate claims. This will strengthen the arguments and make the response more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a full circle to the argument and leaving the reader with a clear takeaway.
task achievement
You have addressed both perspectives on the issue, fulfilling the task requirement of discussing both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Good use of linking words and phrases, helping the reader follow the flow of the argument smoothly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggressive behavior
  • vulnerable groups
  • stress relief
  • media literacy
  • creative expression
  • censorship
  • rating systems
  • parental guidance
  • economic implications
  • mitigate
  • outlet for aggression
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