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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, people decide to have children at a later age than in the past. Why? Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#countries #people #children #age #development
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These days, many couples opt for delayed childbirth.
This
 trend can be attributed to career priorities. From my point of view, I consider that it has more drawbacks, especially the health of their offspring. On the one hand, postponing parenthood can bring about significant advantages.
Firstly
,
parents
 have financial stability after concentrating completely on their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
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.
Therefore
,
children
 may receive a better education quality in a
precious
Correct word choice
prestigious
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 school.
In addition
, when pregnant at a later age, couples are more mature in emotional
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
, so their spouse relationship can become more stable.
Furthermore
, they would be ready to take care of their
children
.
For instance
,
children
 who were born in families by elderly
parents
 tend to be paid more attention than others since their
parents
 have more family time.
On the other hand
, embarking on parenthood at a later age can have unexpected disadvantages. First of all, that can increase the generation gap between
parents
 and their offspring, leading to familial conflicts. In terms of the long run side,
parents
 may not be around for as long as their
children
 need them.
Moreover
, babies in
such
 families are susceptible to mental diseases
due to
 gene
fault
Fix the agreement mistake
faults
show examples
. As a case in point,
according to
 health-related studies, infants who were born
by
Change preposition
to
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 mothers over 35 years old are prone to Down syndrome.
To sum up
, opting for pregnancy at a later age can be because of heightened monetary burdens. That brings certain pros and cons about health and family aspects. From my perspective, the disadvantages should be given more concern than advantages.
Submitted by thuhuyen16992qn on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay follows a basic logical structure, however, the transitions between paragraphs and ideas could be smoother. Consider using more varied linking words and phrases to improve the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
You have provided an introduction and conclusion, but they could be expanded to more effectively outline and summarize the main arguments of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but the development of ideas should be deeper and more detailed to fully satisfy the question prompt. Offer more in-depth analysis and a wider range of examples to better illustrate your arguments.
task achievement
While you have answered the essay prompt, your response lacks depth in exploring the reasons behind the trend of delayed parenthood. Provide a more thorough examination of this phenomenon and its implications.
task achievement
Your ideas are present but not fully comprehensive. Adding depth to your arguments will increase clarity. Try to present more elaborated points for a well-rounded response.
task achievement
The examples used are relevant but need to be more specific and backed up by data or studies to strengthen your arguments. Avoid generalizations and provide concrete examples to support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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