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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? what are the main consequences of this issue?

#people #consequences
At present,
obesity
 among
people
 has increased more than before.
According to
 my viewpoint, among the primary causes of
obesity
, sedentary lifestyles and unhealthy food habits of
people
 are responsible for that which results in an
overall
 damage to public
health
. A major proportion of
people
 of all ages are suffering from
obesity
. The principal reason for the increase in
obesity
 is that most
people
 are reluctant to go out and do physical exercise.
Instead
, they prefer to sit idle at home and most importantly,
this
 lifestyle has limited their physical movement which is one of the most remarkable reasons for their being overweight.
For example
,
according to
 a survey, around 60 percent of
people
 in
Correct article usage
the Uk
show examples
Uk
Correct your spelling
UK
show examples
 are living a lethargic lifestyle of coming and going to their workplace and the rest of the time spending time at home.
Moreover
,
people
 especially the young generation mostly depend on fast food which is unhealthy because of its lots of calories, sugar and salt intake.
However
, these foods are loved by
people
 despite their harmful effects on public
health
. The major consequence of being overweight is the whole public
health
 is suffering. The
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 of
people
 and
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
affects
Wrong verb form
is affected
show examples
 a lot because of
obesity
.
For example
,
people
 suffering from diseases like hypertension,
diabetes
Correct word choice
and diabetes
show examples
 and even the young generation are
also
 affected by
this
 issue and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
 gets damaged. Being obese
also
 reduces their productivity and it eventually affects the economy and society.
For example
, if the most productive
people
 are getting sick because of
obesity
 and cannot work and provide their best in the workplace there is no doubt that the economy will be definitely affected. In conclusion, being overweight is not just a
health
 problem rather it is a social problem because of its detrimental effect on society and economy. Since
people
's lifestyle is the primary cause of being obese we should control that at first.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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Task Achievement
In terms of task response, the essay attempts to cover both causes and consequences, but it lacks development in terms of depth and breadth. To improve the task response, it is necessary to fully address all parts of the prompt more completely. Ensure that each point you make is expanded upon with further explanation or examples.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay demonstrates a sufficient level of coherence and cohesion, with an identifiable structure including an introduction and conclusion. However, the transitions between ideas can be smoother, and the organization of ideas can be improved. Make use of a wider range of cohesive devices and ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic that is well-developed. Avoid repeating the same ideas and ensure a logical progression throughout.
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