IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?

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Nowadays, a lot of
toys
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, ranging from simple dolls to complicated electronic gadgets like video games, are provided for some
children
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 by their parents. I think
this
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 is not a problem provided
children
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 are sufficiently active and care for their
toys
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. (41
words
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) One of the important advantages of
children
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 having lots of
toys
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 is that there are different games for them to play. They can choose one of their
toys
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according to
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 their mood and taste
,
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apply
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 and are less likely to become bored.
Besides
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, they would certainly be able to learn a wider variety of skills like
problem solving
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problem-solving
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 or organization. Different
toys
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 can teach them different things, which means that the more
toys
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 they have, the more they are likely to learn. (83
words
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)
However
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, having a lot of different
toys
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 could possibly lead to
children
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 becoming overweight since many modern
toys
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 like video games and LEGOs, which are very common these days, are usually played indoors.
Therefore
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, they would definitely reduce
children
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’s physical activity, leading them to gain extra weight.
Furthermore
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, when kids have too many
toys
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, it is likely that they will take less care of them.
In other
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words
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, they will probably not learn to value them if there is always a replacement ready to play with.
Consequently
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, they would not learn to appreciate their belongings. (95
words
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) In conclusion, I believe that
children
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 benefit from an abundance of
toys
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 which offer them variety,
as well as
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 teaching them more varied skills.
However
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, it is important that they keep an active lifestyle and are taught to value every toy. (41
words
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)

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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on developing a clear logical structure throughout the essay that seamlessly connects ideas from one paragraph to the next. While your essay has a recognizable structure, transitions between ideas need to be smooth.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure the introduction and conclusion are clear and echo each other, reinforcing the main topic and your viewpoint. You have included both, but they could be more developed to effectively frame the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Detail your main points with more specific examples that strengthen your arguments. Currently, the examples provided are relevant but lack depth and detail, which are necessary for a higher score.
Task Achievement
Your essay does address the task, but in order to fully satisfy the requirements, aim for a more developed response that covers all aspects of the prompt in more detail.
Task Achievement
Clarify and elaborate on your ideas so that the essay comprehensively explores the advantages and disadvantages of the topic. Now, your ideas are somewhat clear, but require more depth and elaboration to be considered comprehensive.
Task Achievement
Introduce a wider range of specific and relevant examples to support your ideas. This helps to provide a more thorough understanding of the points you are trying to make.
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